1. Holy crap, me?
They sent this email to the wrong person. They definitely did. My resume has a cat on it — a CAT. I have, like, no experience. They don’t want me; they can’t want me. They don’t even know me. They don’t know that I eat ice cream straight from the carton and that I put t-shirts on my dog and take pictures of him while I laugh and that I have the potty humor of a 17-year-old high school boy. Let me double- and then triple-check that email address…
There’s my name — yup, there it is, this is for me, they want me. God I’m so good looking. I knew I was awesome. They chose me. I am the chosen one. All these years my mom told me I was special, and it turns out she was right. I AM SPECIAL.
3. Dancing and singing.
“ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT / GOT MONEY ON MY MIND I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH.”
4. My social media accounts must be cleansed…
OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO READ ALL OF MY WORDS AND SEE ALL OF MY LIFE’S PICTURES AND THINK I’M A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING WITH WEIRD HABITS AND A DIRTY MOUTH. I retweeted a picture of Bill Clinton’s picture that was distorted to make him look like a potato. Why did I do that? Smart people working full time jobs don’t do things like that. I need to delete so many pictures on my Instagram…so, so many pictures…
5. What is this company again?
6. BUT WHAT WILL I WEAR?!
Pantsuits are so business-major boring. I want to stand out. Maybe some color? No, then they’ll think I’m quirky and unprofessional. What about that black skirt? No, that’s too short. Good thing I spilled spaghetti sauce on my only blazer. UGH. WHY DON’T PEOPLE WEAR YOGA PANTS TO WORK.
Oh, yep, there they are. Welcome back old friends. I knew you’d reemerge sooner or later.
8. Practice, practice, practice.
I have so many strengths, right? Yes. Okay. Like…well, okay, I’m really good at getting to work on time. I’ll tell them I set my alarm extra early when I have responsibilities.
“I set my alarm super early when I have responsibilities.” Yes, they’ll like that. “My biggest weakness is probably that I care too much.” Perfect. There’s no chance anyone has ever said that before.
“I want to work for your company because…”
Okay. Back to Google we go.