Walk into any department store or coffee shop or convenience store and you’ll see hoards of enthusiastic girls in oversized sweaters oooh-ing and ahhh-ing that the mini pumpkins (gourds) are somehow magically smaller than their coffee cup (Starbucks) — small enough to fit in THE POCKET OF MY BRAND NEW LIGHTWEIGHT-YET-WARM-ENOUGH-FOR-FALL MILITARY JACKET OMG. They giggle as they turn over candles in their hands, because they just can’t even. How are they supposed to choose between “Autumn Afternoon,” “Cinnamon Bun,” and “Fireside Embers”?!?!?!
Taking a stroll down the street? Prepare to be pushed off the sidewalk by the basic white girls who have to get the good lighting for that tree up ahead. Watch as they filter the shit out of the leaves and make them look way prettier than they actually are. Listen as one whispers to her friend, “I’m going to make the caption ‘I’m so glad we live in a world where there are Octobers. –Anne of Green Gables.’”
Anyway, people forget the simple reasons to love fall for what it truly is, bombarded as we are by white girls prancing around in their olive green pants and combat boots with their infinity scarves and pumpkin spice latte in hand, and are thus led to believe that THIS is what fall is all about. #Blessed. Before I go any further I want you to know that I am the exact person I have described in the paragraphs above. Seriously I AM ONE OF YOU. Check out my Instagram account if you’re interested in seeing me filter the shit out of some pretty average looking trees. But that’s beside the point.
Here are a few reasons to love fall for what it truly is:
1. The weather.
As in, sunny days that don’t make sweat drip from your neck to your butt crack. The days of sunshine in the fall are warm enough to sit outside enjoyably, getting a nice bronze without needing aloe later on. The crisper days are truly gifts from the gods — is there anything better than stepping outside and feeling that just right temperature? The fresh breeze revitalizes you, makes you feel like you could walk to the end of the world and back and not be the least bit tired. Not to mention the cool breeze makes your cheeks soft and supple, with a little mahogany hue. Who doesn’t love a mahogany hue?
2. The festivals and farmers’ markets.
These are a great way to support local vendors and people in your town. Most are set up in blocked-off streets on Friday or Saturday afternoons, and they are just the best ever. Want some freshly baked pumpkin cookies? Or apple bread? Or homemade kettle corn? Or fresh, organic veggies? Or a mini cactus? (I have one named Paul.) These places have all of that and more. Sometimes featuring live music and stray dogs for you to play with (okay that’s not true, but some vendors bring their dogs and you can pet them as much as you want), fall festivals and farmers’ markets are the place to be if you’re trying to soak up some autumn vibes.
3. Better night’s sleep.
The nights are no longer insufferably hot. Lay down your head, little angel, and actually enjoy sleeping under your puffy duvet that you spent so much money on. Snooze comfortably through the night without your hot flashes waking you up and demanding that you bong that Aquafina in your fridge. No more sweaty sheets for you to wash. Hell, you can make it until spring without washing your sheets now. Boo-yah!
4. Justification for lazy days.
Shorter days and longer nights mean that you can justify being in your bed by 7pm without judgment. It’s dark outside, why would I be going for a run right now? What? I’ve been here all day? Well yeah, that’s because it’s chilly out. Have you felt that breeze? It’s a killer.
5. No more revealing clothes.
Mmmm I just LOVE wearing short shorts that show my cellulite and tank tops that reveal how many pushups I don’t do. And don’t even get me started on bikinis — nothin’ better than getting to show all your friends and guy crushes that you have the most rockin’ pack of stored winter fat hiding under that cover up. Abs are for losers, right? WRONG-O. Abs are for hot people who work hard to get them but why do that when fall is coming and you can just hide the fat? Jump into fall and relax with ease, sporting leggings and big sweaters that conceal your bulges and the curves that only your mom finds beautiful. And to the basic white girls out there: I’m sorry for revealing the true reason you love those oversized sweaters. You don’t love them because they’re in style. You love them because you’re so happy that they’re in style. Sigh that secret sigh of relief that you no longer have to show 90% of your body, because even though you pretended to love it, you hated it. Fat clothes to the rescue! Fall forever!!!