1. OMG IS HE BLEEDING? Oh, thank God. It’s just spaghetti sauce on the back of his head.
2. No. I really don’t want to play. In fact, I would rather run outside naked in the freezing cold and roll around in the snow until I was dead. But fine, let’s play.
3. Is that my phone in her hands?? OH SHIT. Please God tell me she wasn’t looking at my pictures or texts… (Grabs phone). Phew, she was trying to access the games.
4. No! There are no games on my phone! Stop touching it!
5. It’s crying? Oh, shit. Oh, god. Oh, please God no.
6. Did he really just say, “What’s N’SYNC?” He’s kidding me, right?
7. Maybe this 9 year-old shouldn’t be listening to this song… Wait, she already knows the words? Ok, fine. We’ll leave it on. But if you’re singing Jason Derulo when your mom gets home I’m in deep shit.
8. Are these kids really arguing over this right now? This is literally the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. There’s no way I was ever this dumb.
9. “But my mom told me I could…” Dude, nice try. I wasn’t born yesterday.
10. (Sniffs) Ew. (Sniffs again, more vigorously) What the hell is that smell?
11. This kid has eaten like… five cookies at this point. And – is he – wait… he’s going back for number six! Great. His mom told me to watch for this. How do I tell him to stop eating without totally crushing his self-esteem…?
12. He’s not going to tell his mom about this… is he?
13. That kid’s really not going to finish her dinner? There’s so much left on her plate though… What a waste. Would it be weird if I asked to finish it? I’ll just set her plate on the counter until she leaves the room. Then I’ll finish it.
14. If I have to watch another goddamn episode of [fill in the blank with your personal worst nightmare] I’m going to blow up the TV.
15. Hmm… I wonder what’s in the pantry…
16. Doritos! Oh, wait. The bag’s not open yet… They’ll definitely remember that they hadn’t opened it and then they’ll know it was me! And they’ll never hire me again! What else is in here…
17. Pringles! ERG. There’s only like two chips left in the tube. They’ll definitely notice the Pringles in the trash and know it was me! And they’ll never hire me again! What else is in here…
18. Oreos! Nice – the pack is open and ¾ are still in the box. Score! I think if I take like three they won’t notice. Maybe four.
19. I wonder if they’d notice if I ate these Olive Garden leftovers…
20. I really hope there’s no nanny cam in here… cause I just totally ate their leftovers and snooped through a few drawers…
21. OH MY GOD DID SHE JUST STAIN THE CARPET?
22. Her mom is going to be absolutely furious and tell every other mom how irresponsible I am and everyone in this town is going to know me as a careless tit. I’m going to be an outcast!
23. He just picked his nose. Or maybe he just had an itch up there? OH NO HE’S EXAMINING IT. Should I say something? What should I – OMG. (Gags) He did it. (Gags again). He just ate it.
24. Did he see me witness that? Look away! (Averts eyes just in the knick of time). As gross as that was, it’s not like I want to embarrass the kid. Maybe that was the first and last time he ever picked his nose? Yep. Let’s go with that.
25. This kid has an iPad? Seriously? What is he – like 5 years old?
26. Just go to bed already, damnit!
27. When the hell are these parents coming back? They told me 11:00pm and it’s like 11:09pm….
28. How much did that [expensive thing these people seem to have at their disposal] cost, I wonder? There’s no way I will ever get my shit together enough to afford something like that.
29. What should I be doing when the parents walk in? Reading? I think it would look good if I was reading.
30. (Walks out of house, gets into car, checks money) Wait – for the love of God. She paid me the wrong amount! This is awkward. Now what? There’s no way I’m bringing this to her attention in a face-to-face encounter… I’ll just go home and text her tomorrow…
31. I wonder if any of my friends are awake/available to hang out right now…
32. (Same night, talking to aforementioned friends) “I was just babysitting… I am so not having kids.”