Losing Your Virginity

i didn’t know how to respond, so i just kept moaning.

he went on thrusting like nothing had happened.

but he stopped suddenly. “do you want to like, move?  because i’m about to pass out.”

what did he mean by move?  does he want me to be on top or something?

i tried to move my hips and stomach, but i was completely out of sync with him and i felt embarrassed.  and somehow my movement caused his cock to fall out.  we both laughed.  i stopped trying to move and laid there again while he fucked me for a while longer.

suddenly he stopped and sighed, “i feel good.”

i was surprised.  i didn’t know it was possible for guys to just stop in the middle of sex before they came. i thought they would explode or something if they did that.

he took the condom off and held it on his fingers up to the light.  i saw it was tipped with blood.  i felt horrified and hoped he wouldn’t notice.  but he said

“hmm..you bled a little bit.”

i stared, wide eyed, internally panicing.  oh no, would he figure out that i was a virgin now?  how would he react?  oh god.

but he didn’t say anything more and calmly and gently got up and went to throw the condom away.

he came back and laid on the bed.  it was very late, like 2 AM.  i turned my body away from his and tried to move as far away from him as i could.  i had this idea in my head that men hated cuddling or anything like that after sex, so i didn’t want to do that and appear clingy.  but he moved and pressed his body against my back and put his arms around my waist.

i slept for a while.

in the middle of the night i got up and went into his bathroom.  i turned on the light in the bathroom and stared at my face in the mirror.  for ten minutes i tried to see what someone could find attractive about me, but i couldn’t find anything.

i went back and laid down beside him and tried to sleep.

i couldn’t get back to sleep though, and started to wake him up by kissing his neck.  instantly he started to kiss me back on my mouth and then started to finger me again.  i moaned loudly and this time he said right away, “tell me what you want.”

“i want you to fuck me,” i moaned.

“okay.” he was smiling.

he got up to go find another condom, and after searching for a long while came back.

“i don’t have anymore,” he said with an exasperated laugh.

he started to finger me again.

i wanted to excite him.  “i want you to fuck me,” i moaned again, even though i didn’t really.

”…even though we don’t have anything?” he asked, excitedly.  he started to finger me faster.

i was shocked at his suggestion.  i didn’t know people actually had unprotected sex.

“yeah…” i moaned.

“are you sure?”

“yes…” i said.

and then was i shocked.  why did i say “yes” when i didn’t want to have unprotected sex, was terrified by years of public school brainwashing of how unprotected sex inevitably leads to teenage pregnancy and horrible diseases? later i would realize that it was the influence of pornography on my psyche.  i didn’t know how to act during sex, and i had the gaps filled in by pornography, which taught me to act really horny and desperate during sex.

“are you sure?” he asked again.

“no…” i said, shaking my head.

he stopped and we decided to go asleep again.

in the morning we were woken up by the sound of his phone ringing.

he answered it.

“hello?”

he listened for a minute.  i heard a woman’s voice on the other end.

“sure you can come over here.  i’m not doing anything.  i’m just… laying here.”

they talked more for a bit and then he hung up.

he said his friend was on his way over and i had to get going right away, because to be honest he didn’t want his friends to start gossiping about how he was sleeping with an 18 year old.

i somehow found my clothes in the disaster of his apartment and put on my bra, blazer, skirt, and underwear in his bathroom, too embarrassed to get dressed in front of him.

but i pulled up my tights in the front room and he stared at my legs with this dumbfounded look.

when i was fully dressed i went over to the door and picked up my purse.

standing near his door, i felt awkward.  i didn’t know what to say.

we stood in silence for a moment.

then suddenly he said with nervous excitement, “can i have your number?”

i didn’t know if i wanted to see him again.  it didn’t go with the idea i had in my head of losing my virginity to a stranger and then never seeing him again.

“um, i lost my phone the other day…but maybe i’ll find it?”

“well, do you want mine?”

i bit my lower lip.

“you’re like, ‘noo..’” he said, kind of laughing, hurt.

“no, i do,” i said, feeling bad.

he picked up a piece of paper and a pencil up from off his floor and wrote his number and email and gave the paper to me, which i put into my purse.

i turned to open the door and leave, but he told me to wait.

“i get to hug you one more time before you go,” he said, and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and tenderly kissed the top of my head.

while walking home i smoked a cigarette and felt self-conscious about wearing yesterday’s clothes.  i felt like everyone i passed was staring at me and knew i was doing the walk of shame.  a typical portland hipster looked at me as he rode by on his bike.  i turned my head to avoid his gaze.

when i got back to campus, i looked at my phone and realized i was going to be late, so i went straight to my humanities class without changing my clothes or showering.

all day long i was in pain from my vagina being incredibly sore.  i wrote furiously, obsessively in my notebook all day long about what had happened.  and i couldn’t get the image of his penis going in and out of my vagina out of my head.

i emailed him two days later: “let’s sleep together again.”

“monday night?  10pm?  stumptown?”

“okay.”

when we met again in a few days first thought upon seeing him with his gorgeous blonde hair standing in front of me in his beautiful black peacoat and burberry scarf was “can this person really be here to have sex with me?”

we saw each other for another month after that.  to this day i don’t think i’ll ever have as good sex as i had with him, or ever love someone as much as i loved him, or feel as shattered as i did when we broke up. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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