Losing Your Virginity

i didn’t know how to respond, so i just kept moaning.

he went on thrusting like nothing had happened.

but he stopped suddenly. “do you want to like, move?  because i’m about to pass out.”

what did he mean by move?  does he want me to be on top or something?

i tried to move my hips and stomach, but i was completely out of sync with him and i felt embarrassed.  and somehow my movement caused his cock to fall out.  we both laughed.  i stopped trying to move and laid there again while he fucked me for a while longer.

suddenly he stopped and sighed, “i feel good.”

i was surprised.  i didn’t know it was possible for guys to just stop in the middle of sex before they came. i thought they would explode or something if they did that.

he took the condom off and held it on his fingers up to the light.  i saw it was tipped with blood.  i felt horrified and hoped he wouldn’t notice.  but he said

“hmm..you bled a little bit.”

i stared, wide eyed, internally panicing.  oh no, would he figure out that i was a virgin now?  how would he react?  oh god.

but he didn’t say anything more and calmly and gently got up and went to throw the condom away.

he came back and laid on the bed.  it was very late, like 2 AM.  i turned my body away from his and tried to move as far away from him as i could.  i had this idea in my head that men hated cuddling or anything like that after sex, so i didn’t want to do that and appear clingy.  but he moved and pressed his body against my back and put his arms around my waist.

i slept for a while.

in the middle of the night i got up and went into his bathroom.  i turned on the light in the bathroom and stared at my face in the mirror.  for ten minutes i tried to see what someone could find attractive about me, but i couldn’t find anything.

i went back and laid down beside him and tried to sleep.

i couldn’t get back to sleep though, and started to wake him up by kissing his neck.  instantly he started to kiss me back on my mouth and then started to finger me again.  i moaned loudly and this time he said right away, “tell me what you want.”

“i want you to fuck me,” i moaned.

“okay.” he was smiling.

he got up to go find another condom, and after searching for a long while came back.

“i don’t have anymore,” he said with an exasperated laugh.

he started to finger me again.

i wanted to excite him.  “i want you to fuck me,” i moaned again, even though i didn’t really.

”…even though we don’t have anything?” he asked, excitedly.  he started to finger me faster.

i was shocked at his suggestion.  i didn’t know people actually had unprotected sex.

“yeah…” i moaned.

“are you sure?”

“yes…” i said.

and then was i shocked.  why did i say “yes” when i didn’t want to have unprotected sex, was terrified by years of public school brainwashing of how unprotected sex inevitably leads to teenage pregnancy and horrible diseases? later i would realize that it was the influence of pornography on my psyche.  i didn’t know how to act during sex, and i had the gaps filled in by pornography, which taught me to act really horny and desperate during sex.

“are you sure?” he asked again.

“no…” i said, shaking my head.

he stopped and we decided to go asleep again.

in the morning we were woken up by the sound of his phone ringing.

he answered it.

“hello?”

he listened for a minute.  i heard a woman’s voice on the other end.

“sure you can come over here.  i’m not doing anything.  i’m just… laying here.”

they talked more for a bit and then he hung up.

he said his friend was on his way over and i had to get going right away, because to be honest he didn’t want his friends to start gossiping about how he was sleeping with an 18 year old.

i somehow found my clothes in the disaster of his apartment and put on my bra, blazer, skirt, and underwear in his bathroom, too embarrassed to get dressed in front of him.

but i pulled up my tights in the front room and he stared at my legs with this dumbfounded look.

when i was fully dressed i went over to the door and picked up my purse.

standing near his door, i felt awkward.  i didn’t know what to say.

we stood in silence for a moment.

then suddenly he said with nervous excitement, “can i have your number?”

i didn’t know if i wanted to see him again.  it didn’t go with the idea i had in my head of losing my virginity to a stranger and then never seeing him again.

“um, i lost my phone the other day…but maybe i’ll find it?”

“well, do you want mine?”

i bit my lower lip.

“you’re like, ‘noo..’” he said, kind of laughing, hurt.

“no, i do,” i said, feeling bad.

he picked up a piece of paper and a pencil up from off his floor and wrote his number and email and gave the paper to me, which i put into my purse.

i turned to open the door and leave, but he told me to wait.

“i get to hug you one more time before you go,” he said, and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind and tenderly kissed the top of my head.

while walking home i smoked a cigarette and felt self-conscious about wearing yesterday’s clothes.  i felt like everyone i passed was staring at me and knew i was doing the walk of shame.  a typical portland hipster looked at me as he rode by on his bike.  i turned my head to avoid his gaze.

when i got back to campus, i looked at my phone and realized i was going to be late, so i went straight to my humanities class without changing my clothes or showering.

all day long i was in pain from my vagina being incredibly sore.  i wrote furiously, obsessively in my notebook all day long about what had happened.  and i couldn’t get the image of his penis going in and out of my vagina out of my head.

i emailed him two days later: “let’s sleep together again.”

“monday night?  10pm?  stumptown?”

“okay.”

when we met again in a few days first thought upon seeing him with his gorgeous blonde hair standing in front of me in his beautiful black peacoat and burberry scarf was “can this person really be here to have sex with me?”

we saw each other for another month after that.  to this day i don’t think i’ll ever have as good sex as i had with him, or ever love someone as much as i loved him, or feel as shattered as i did when we broke up. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

  • Dangertime

    I get the impression that the dichotomy between the feelings expressed in the last paragraph and the rest of the essay is meant to come across as melancholic and a bit ironic. I don't really think that turn works though. The disconnect mostly just seem too unexpected (or maybe arbitrary) and that causes those emotions to feel unearned.

    • az

      i agree

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

      I think feelings are arbitrary in general.

      • eric

        Not by the time you've put them to words.

  • http://twitter.com/itchypeach etsena

    goddamn! this was very weird…porn version of thoughtcatalog..

  • LDN

    this makes me sad.

    i like the sound of the guy you lost it to, he seems nice. he definitely knew it was your first time.

  • Justsayin

    Idk. Last paragraph killed it (in a bad way.) You made it seem like sex was really good with him (although you stated the opposite throughout most of the essay.) And although losing your virginity can be a very emotional thing, I find it kind of naive and immature that after a month of being FWB, you think you'll never have sex that good or ever love someone as much. As your guy would say, “Like…you're 18. Grow up.”

    • alice

      Way to invalidate an individual's personal experience.

      • Frances

        I don't think this piece has anything to do with individuality. This woman lost it to a pile of brand name clothes. It's ultra-ridiculous (hey, a better name for your tumblr Ms. C) that she identifies with anti-capitalist politics.

      • http://twitter.com/AKAGoldfish Dickey El Shavaz

        How is pointing out someone wears American Apparel underwear in a work of narrative non-fiction inconsistent with Marxist politics? Oh right, it's not.

      • Frances

        How is a brand obsessed consumer whore inconsistent with Marxism? You really want me to answer that?

  • http://twitter.com/cream_dreamz Stephanie Jones

    What is with the lack of capitalization? Is this live journal?

  • xtos

    what the fuck……

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    why does everyone dick-ride stumptown so hard it's nothing special

    • cameron wray

      the glow from all the macbooks is super flattering probs

  • Anonymous

    Call me naive, but I hated how you presented the act of sex as such a hideous thing–the lying, the fact that you had sex with a stranger, the impersonal element–and how you were unable to recognize how ugly this encounter truly was. Not only was it wholly unromantic, it was completely lacking respect. You had sex WITH A STRANGER, which would be bad enough, but this was your FIRST TIME. Jesus, and at the end, you ask to have sex with him AGAIN. A part of me is totally disgusted and a part of me pities teenagers who are unable to grasp the concept of self-respect.

    • skyvillain

      I felt it was honest and captured a lot of the awkward self-doubt and conflicting feelings people have when having sex, especially for their first time. I don't think it's fair to judge someone who decides to lose their virginity with a stranger, and I wonder if it was a male if there would be that same judgement. And as the author mentioned she was a victim of sexual abuse, so I imagine a lot of the feelings are affected by very negative past experiences. I too could have done without the last paragraph, but overall the piece moved me and I'm glad the author didn't try to put some sort of cherry coating on her experience because people have false assumptions of what it should be like to lose your virginity. It's a personal experience.

      • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

        double-liking this in the form of a comment so there can be more positive comments on this

    • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

      to me, it doesn't seem like she presented sex as “hideous” or “ugly” by writing about her experience. i feel like if anything, because of the level of honesty present in this it's human and vulnerable and i felt a degree of “aliveness” while reading.

      do you feel there is an inherent need for sex to be “romantic?” what specifically isn't “romantic” about this? what is “ugly” about insecurity? why do you feel like she has personally affronted you with writing about her life?

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    IS THIS FICTION? DOES IT MATTER?

  • 45hundred

    this sounds so unpleasant and uncomfortable. the last paragraph ruins it, though i didn't really enjoy reading any of it.

  • kharlamovaa

    I love the contrast within this article, in comparison to the other commentators. I found it complicated in a “i want this because this is what i'm supposed to want” but also “i don't really want this” way.

  • 305NYC

    I don't know. I kinda liked it. You didn't know what it was to lose your virginity . You just played it by ear through it all. It was confusing to read, but I'm sure you were more confused throughout it all.

  • alison

    i liked your essay. it was honest and brought me back to my first time. which was with a stranger and extremely awkward. small caps works for me too–evokes being a teenager. the last paragraph, whatever, maybe you could have let our imaginations figure out the ending. but good job, good article.

    • everyone

      i dont think this is an essay.

  • Ro

    The last paragraph threw me off, but not in a bad way. I feel scared now, because you sound a lot like me… I want to ask you for advice now..

  • Justbecauseitsssmutty

    Kind of just smut.

  • ANON

    Oh my god. This was exactly like my first time. You write so beautifully, please write more because this is probably the most honest thing I've read on TC. Thank you thank you thank you.

  • rushel

    This brought me back to my own first time, although, I can't honestly say I have a clue what the denouement is.

    Thought it would have been good when I first started, but I became progressively let down.

  • nayka

    It's the feeling of heartbreak that comes when you let someone in like this for the first time, of feeling as if your facade has been peeled away for the world to peer at and you've lost a battle within yourself. Sex reveals and strips you emotionally bare unlike any other action, and my first time was as raw as this one. The self-questioning and evident discomfort communicate themselves choppily–and each is augmented in its intensity through the choppiness–and with perfect syncopation. I never questioned myself more and less in a single moment than when I lost my virginity, and you captured that well.

    • Frances

      Then let's hear your story because you clearly are the better writer.

  • okay...

    dear penthouse forum

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

    I loved this article for many reasons, the fact that it got me hard at certain parts, a common expression on the pornier TC article's comment section, not necessarily being one of them.
    It was interesting and informational and felt sad and funny, and I found those feelings interesting also. I felt like I gained insight from it and empathized with girls and their sexual experience recognizing it as different and appreciating it for what it is.
    Felt self-aware of my limited sexual experience and shame that it was to a prostitue, not because of the act or implications in itself, but because it's the only time it has happened and I can only blame it on my personality and what maybe be perceive by some as lack of 'game'.
    Felt appreciative and respected you for sharing an intimate experience, then started thinking “maybe she didn't even find it hard” after seeing sex as the first interest listed on your author page.
    Felt intrigued by the meaning of 'past sexual trauma' being either physical or psychological and very interested .
    Felt like I wanted to experience 'something'.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

      I also like how your reference for sex was porn because similarly my reference for relationships was TV as a kid, and we both experienced discongruity.

  • http://profiles.google.com/bpike53199 Brad Pike

    As a general rule, I always click pictures of girls in their underwear. It's worked out pretty well for me so far.

  • http://profiles.google.com/benj.caro Ben Caro

    I gotta say, the unformatted punctuation in this piece makes it really chilling, as if we're reading an AIM conversation from some tweenage girl. Very brave to be spilling out the details like this. Good job. Why did you wait til the second to last paragraph to describe him? I hope it was intentional.

  • JoseG(:

    I really enjoyed this. ^__^ not for THAT reason tho. :S lmao much love<3

  • Reallydudeeeee

    So, you got raped by a man in american apparel briefs (that's all you had to say for everyone to understand what kind of guy he was) who had such little self confidence that his idea of being funny was mimicking you when you were both self conscious. okay, not terrible at all or anything.

    • PERFECTCIRCLES

      I hope my first time is like this too.

  • http://profiles.google.com/bpike53199 Brad Pike

    I appreciate that thought catalog posts women writing unself-consciously about the experiences of being a woman and doesn't dismiss these stories as “live journal” or “teenage girl shit”.

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