Even before we became friends, I knew you have a girlfriend. It was not a big deal back then, because I know I am not attracted to you. Time passed, we became close friends and I really don’t know what to say to you now but thank you.
You made me realize what I want in life. You taught me how to stand up for myself without you knowing. You boosted my confidence through simple words you told me in our plain conversations. You helped me with my problems, trusted me with yours. You treated me as one of your special girl friends. You gave me things that you know will make me happy. You showed me love in your own simple ways. You made me believe someone will appreciate me for who I am, someday. You gave me a reason to believe in love, again. So thank you, I am truly grateful for every single joke you told me that made me go through my hell day smiling.
But for the last time, please give me a chance to tell you how much I love you.
When we started to become close friends, I was amazed by how humble you are in life. You never seemed to feel insecure by other guys. You are confident the way you are and you are the most gentle man I have ever met in my whole life. You and your actions towards girls made me realize how much I wanted my future boyfriend to be so much like you. As our friendship grew stronger, I was so comfortable talking to you I can tell you everything. I will wake up finding myself smiling, looking forward to see and laugh with you for another day. It was too late when I realize, I didn’t want my future boyfriend to be like you, I want you.
I tried to ignore you, tried my best not to cross paths with you. But you are always there. You are still the same guy who I often see in my dreams as my boyfriend. You always try to play games with me, crack jokes until I find myself laughing with you again. You will walk with me to class, and I am so confused because I didn’t want you to go too. Before I go to sleep, I realize that my goal to ignore you failed and will try to convince myself that tomorrow is really the day for it. Waking up, trying to go through all of my classes, skipping lunch just so I won’t see you, acting that I am trying to study in the library alone because I know you are with our other friends but when I come back, there you are again, smiling. It was like you are always waiting for me, as if you can’t wait to make me happy. Days, weeks, and months have passed of trying, I gave up.
There was no way I could ignore you, I told myself that the only way to move on is to endure the pain and accept that I can’t have you more than a friend. It was so hard. It was too painful. And becoming friends with your girlfriend is not part of the plan, but believe me, I do support your relationship and it hurts so much. But I have to keep the pain inside; I can’t show anyone that I am hurting. I didn’t want anyone to know, not even a single one of our friends.
I love you, until now, I do. And I believe all the pain that I felt before and I am feeling now will be worth it. I didn’t know why I would meet someone like you and love you, but can’t have you. I know it is all part of God’s plan, you are one of His angels that taught me a lot of things such as what I want in life.
I hope your relationship with your girlfriend would last forever; you guys are perfect for each other. You are the living definition of the quote “relationship goals” and I am so happy for you two.
I admit, what I am going through is not easy. I am looking for your twin who we both know doesn’t exist, but hoping that maybe he is somewhere out there looking for me too. I couldn’t help but feel insecure, wishing that I am her, your girlfriend. I couldn’t help but compare every other guy who I just met to you, and end up disappointed. I am looking for someone exactly the same as you and until the time has come that I have stopped; I can’t say that I have moved on. I am sorry. But I know you will understand.
It is now the right time to believe in myself, just as how you believe in me. It is the time to be happy alone, without waiting for you to crack a joke just so I could smile. It is time to let go of all the pain, and trust the new feelings that will come within. It is time to trust myself that I can overcome this, for me to be ready for the guy that will come at the right time. It is time to trust God that a guy perfect for me is out there waiting for me.
Again, thank you God’s angel. The experience is worth it. I am so glad we remained friends.