Maybe you’ll think I’m a total skank for saying this, blatantly admitting that I am indeed, a third-party. Maybe you’ll think of me as a martyr for my honesty. I couldn’t care less what you think of me, actually. As far as I know, you don’t even know a thing about me. I am but a breeze that has touched the surface of your skin, but you’ve never quite materialized in front of you. To you, I am barely a person.
I’m no saint; however, I want you to know, from the most honest part of my soul, that I didn’t mean to fall in love with him.
He was one of those peculiar elements in my life, which I had always failed to comprehend. There was never any expectation of bliss, or comfort when we first met. The sun was not particularly warm that day, nor did the skies turn a tawny shade, reminiscent of autumn. It was exactly what it was. It was a change of season. It was a dull, and perfectly normal change of season.
I want you to know that I tried my best not to fall in love with him. To most people, I was warm and affectionate. To him, I was inconsistent. I knew I couldn’t get too close, because from the very beginning, I knew about you. I knew about the fact that you two have been the perfect couple for more than a couple of years. I knew how all your friends were rooting for the idea of you two ending up together. I knew how happy you made him. It couldn’t have been more obvious from the way he smiles when he has his arms around you. He never spoke about you, but your pictures said it all.
At first I thought I was succeeding. I thought I was being cold, and that he would tire of being such an invigorating presence in my life. I was wrong. As the minutes, days, and weeks passed, the strings which I had been so careful to hide, had revealed itself. It was clear; I was already falling for him. I was tripping, tumbling, falling, gliding down towards the abyss which he had so carefully created for me in the last few months. It was so adeptly crafted, specially for me. I was trapped in the rabbit hole.
When I began realizing how happy I was becoming when I could feel the stubble of his chin on my cheek, I started fearing for myself. The feeling was too familiar, yet so distant. I would have to admit that my lack of companionship was fueling my desire to constantly have him around me, but apart from that, I was falling in love with his soul. I was starting to love more than the wit, but the essence behind it. I was starting to see someone who has more to his surface than his lame comebacks. There is more to him, than I had ever imagined. He sees you, pure and whole, for who you are, and not for what you project yourself to be. I will never claim to know more about him than you. You have probably explored his soul, whereas I have merely placed the tip of my trembling finger on it.
I can’t tell you what his favorite song is, or where his ticklish spots are. I will never know what the very first word he said to you was, or when he started to fall in love with you. I can’t tell you as well how much more or less he loves me than you. I can only tell you how innocent, yet intimate the first time that we kissed was, and how it came as a complete surprise to us both. I can only tell you how guilty I felt, and yet I craved to run my fingers on the contours of his body. I can only tell you how much I savored the warmth of his body, as he pulled me to a hug. I can only tell you how I hate, and love our verbal debates about politics, the school system, money, education and every possible boring thing you can imagine. I can only tell you how sincerely I love him, and because of this, I’m willing to do the right thing, no matter what it entails.
I never gave him an ultimatum. I couldn’t. I thought it was simply because I was brave, but no. I was, and still am too much of a coward to, because I know for a fact that he’ll choose you.
People will judge me, whether or not I say this, so I still will, only because I know I need to say it, at least for myself. I want to apologize for ruining what was supposed to be your perfect relationship; the kind of relationship I would have wanted for myself, and the person I originally loved. I apologize if you will never be able to kiss him again, without thinking of my lips pressing against his. I apologize if you will stay with him, but never fully trust him again. I apologize if you will never fully trust another man ever again. I have been on your end of the bargain once, and I know exactly the magnitude of the pain that this will instill upon you. I was, however, weak. I admit to it. It was a mistake, and it will never, in any way, be right.
Love is something that has always lacked clarity for me, in terms of meaning. I do, however, know that love entails a certain amount of sacrifice. You do what’s best for the one you love,right? At least, that’s what movies like The Notebook, and Dear John had embedded in my brain.
I love him. I will never be sorry for that. I’m just sorry that he will never be mine to love.
He is, however, yours.
Whatever happens from this point on, your relationship with him will be a roller coaster. That, I can guarantee. Staying with him will also be a painful choice. If you do, which you don’t have to, I pray that over time, I will become but a speck of sand that has once landed on you, but will never be a permanent fixture. I will never be proud, and say that I was the “adventurous” twist of your relationship. I will, however, be thankful, that even for a little while, I was able to hold someone as amazing as him in my arms. He has wronged you, and I know that by social construct, you should leave him.
This is ultimately, however, your decision. If you choose to stay with him, please continue to remind yourself why you fell in love with him in the first place. He may, or may not cheat on you again. That, however, is no longer in my hands. I do ask that you be patient with him, because he is going through trials, which he cannot handle on his own. He acts like a child most times, but he’s also one of the oldest souls that I know. Lastly, I hope you remind him why he chose you in the first place, before any of this happened. Allow him to choose you, and to continue even scan through this. I know a heart can only take so much, and I admire you for being brave to choose you over and over again.
If you don’t, then I hope that you find someone who will choose you over and over again, because you deserve it.
As for myself, I can only pray to find the person who will give my life as much meaning, and more. I want to be chosen by someone too, someday.