Ladies, Put That D*ck Down And Go Home

Save the excuses ladies. Put down that dick and walk on home. Atta’ girl.

Today I’m gonna rant about men and women and the topsy turvy limbo that is also known as the first few weeks of dating someone new. Heck, I’m also gonna rant about the kind of deluded phases that some women get into. Also, i will diss the idea if you love someone, you are supposed to accept the person for everything he/she is.

Firstly, there is an appropriate time and place when this phrase should be used and adhered to and usually it isn’t in the first 1-30 days of meeting someone new that you are keen/already have gotten into the pants of.

I’ve had my share of dating jerks and asses. Seriously, I mean it. I can devote a whole book to the kind of collection of riff raffs I’ve been (un)fortunate enough to encounter over the years. I used to be that girl who gave in too soon and gave the guy all the excuses he wasn’t even asking for when I was disregarded and disrespected.
A simple scenario. You are currently dating a new guy. Fairly new, maybe you’ve been out a few times or had a roll in the sack already. He doesn’t call when he says he would and it would be a further 11 days before you decide, after a lot of crazy back and forth in your mind. Okay, enough is enough. I’m a grown ass woman, I should be able to text the dude and find out what’s up. Wrong!

Instead, ask yourself: Have you asked him if he is really in a relationship with you? Have you determined that he is single and if you are looking for monogamy, have you asked him what his opinions are on this topic and usage of contraception… to cut to the chase, ARE YOU GUYS REALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP? And not just one where you assume you are in a relationship cos the last time you played this game, you adhered to the kind of rules YOUR MUM would have set for herself back before you were even conceived.
Times have changed, my dear ladies and in this day and age of threesomes, open relationships, domestic partnerships and just postmodern “It’s Complicated”, (I can’t insert a trademark copyright next to that phrase because I don’t know how to in this mobile phone) You owe it to yourself to get a clear answer before you go blabbing that loaded sentence to your girlfriends, “I’m seeing someone” (insert smug face).

There is no need to be in a huge hurry to be able to mutter this sentence in a huge gathering of your friends in order to feel validated as a woman. You’ve been single for a long while now so what’s another month or two before you are doubly sure this is the dude you want to share saliva with day in/day out.

Another thing, if you are new in a country and he isn’t working in a different city for two months on end, he can bloody well help you move on any given Sunday. Believe me, ask any guy out there, he will be happy to help a damsel in distress IF he is interested in her. Busy with work? Oh he’ll cancel it or take half a day off for you. I’m exaggerating right? No, men have done that for me. Busy with his family? Hell, he’ll meet them after he makes sure you have moved.

I know different people have different interpretations of the word “boyfriend” but look, essentially, he has to want this too. It’s a RELATIONSHIP no matter which word you choose to use to describe it and last I checked, it is between two people — or more if you are into that kind of thing. Don’t be in a hurry to put a ring, I mean, label on it.