These past days, my friend from law school and I have been hanging out at a nearby Krispy Kreme, just a few steps away from school to study and to chat about anything when we feel our brains are getting fried. One time, while we were studying for an exam, I told him about my dilemma, about this one guy who I want to break my walls for, but unsure if I should because of the fear of the guy’s feelings being temporary. My friend told me, “Maybe you’re not afraid of loving, you’re afraid of loving back.” and then it hit me.
Maybe he’s right.
We aren’t afraid of loving, we are afraid of loving back, of not being able to reciprocate how one person feels for us. We fear that whatever affection we shower them is not enough, that they don’t deserve to settle for just that. As humans, we would always feel the need to give people what is due of them. We fear that when we don’t give them what they deserve, or what we feel they deserve, they would leave.
Maybe that’s the reason why I’m unsure if I should break my walls for him.
We are afraid of breaking our walls for a person because we are afraid that what we would get is temporary bliss. Have we ever thought that maybe a person is also afraid we’d totally break our walls for them because even though they would want to love us back, they are afraid that whatever they are feeling now would also be temporary, and that we’d get hurt in the process no matter how careful they are with their actions?
Even if a person says that he or she wouldn’t want to hurt us in the process, it would happen eventually. Nothing is sure in this world. When we love back, we also get hurt no matter how mutual the feelings for each other are. We would always get hurt, no matter how happy we are.
“Maybe you’re not afraid of loving, you’re afraid of loving back.”
The fear of it would haunt us forever but the truth is that we could never give everything a person deserves. We could only give so little to leave something for ourselves, but also taking note that we give enough that a person would feel love and security with us.