First of all, I want to apologize to me, for being too hard on me. For blocking too much happiness because I’m too afraid that I have to pay the price of being miserable at the end of the day. For living in a constant state of fear and anxiety. For sleeping too much, not just because I’m lazy and tired, but because I want to avoid having feelings. For not fighting when the energy of negativity pulls me in.
I was so angry, I killed the good parts of me. And I’m not sure if I can resurrect the old girl inside of me. Now, it’s hard for me to look at a person and not worry about who they are underneath or if they have a hidden agenda. I became a monster and for that, I’m really sorry.
I apologize for blaming myself when bad things happened. Thinking that if I was just smart enough, if I could just control my emotions and my thoughts, such despair won’t happen. I should know by now that bad things are uncontrollable. And it’s not my fault entirely. Better things will come. Not in an instant, but time will unravel the greatest things for me in its best timing.
I am trying to be that girl again. I am retracing the path that I once walked in. I am revisiting the old habits that I used to have in the hope of meeting the former self that I was. I know I can’t be like her again, but maybe, just maybe I can still find some part of her somewhere deep inside.
What I have learned is that good and bad things happen, to everyone. Traumatic experiences will scar my life. Nightmares will occur every night. But as they say, all things end. So maybe I can be patient and wait for the bad things to stop happening. I will try not to define my life by the number of people who marked my life in a horrible way. I will just keep sailing on this vast ocean of adventures.
I’m writing myself this letter because the first step to move on is to forgive myself. At the end of the day, all I have is me, right? So if I can be at peace with myself, I can stop the war that is threatening to happen inside my head.
Let’s sign this treaty and live (a little more) normally and peacefully.