I’ve lost so much and honestly, I hope I lose more. Because every time I lose, I look up at a sky trickled with stars that speak louder than they crash and I feel so light and blissful. Like the weights of the world can no longer drag me down. I drowsily smile at my God, knowing that he feels how pleased I am. Silently thankful.
He taught me to lose, to happily lose all that I never needed.
I lost people. I lost insincere friends, I lost undeserving lovers, I lost draining people and I lost connections that cost me more than I was willing to bargain for. Some people I just didn’t click with. Some, I had fall-outs with. Some, I was merely hit with the realization that they’re no good for me, bringing in more toxicity than love.
With these realizations, came the common sense of self-sustainability that I learned to cherish more and more with each loss. I learned that if I’m not anyone’s priority then I should be my own. I lost the belief that I am unworthy.
I lost part of my awareness. The part that was always too aware of all things I would never be able to control or change. I lost my sense of embarrassment. I lost the voices inside my head that wouldn’t shut up when I needed them to.
I lost the feeling that I was being judged. I lost my sense of unwavering pride and I lost my ego all together. I realized I could never truly feel free with ego and pride each shackled to one of my ankles. I lost my dismissal to the fact that life goes on anyway you live it.
I lost the belief in perfection; I no longer believe perfect exists. I lost the unwavering urge to be impeccable and faultless. I no longer think that a blissful life is a flawless life. And in the disappearance of perfection I found unlikely beauty.
I lost my prejudice. I let myself question everything I ever believed in like it wasn’t true. I relearned everything I once thought I had learned. Started over with no bias.
I lost feelings. I lost illogical hope. I lost the urge to bet on losing horses just because they wanted me to. I lost the concept of regret. I lost my anger, my resentment. I lost every feeling that was misplaced or misdirected.
I lost some dreams. I realized that not everything I have dreamed of this far was worth the dreaming. My goals have changed and my mission has shifted from a burden to a pleasure. All because I allowed myself to be honest enough to realize that not all my dreams were truly mine.
I lost the perpetual need to always have more and be more. I learned to love what I am and what I have then hope for more instead of need it.
I lost chances. I lost a chance to live somewhere beautiful. I lost a chance to work at a well-paying firm. I lost my chance to thrive in a field that didn’t fuel my heart. I lost all these chances because I let them go and if I had taken them, I wouldn’t have the chances I have now. Losing these chances only gave me more chances to possibly take. I learnt that not every chance that makes its way to you, you’re meant to take.
I lost the need to have everything prearranged. Life is as unprompted as one can be, yet I will continuously trust that the way life plays out will always be the most constructive, least hurtful way. I trust my God on this one, and he has never disappointed.
I lost myself, only to be justly found. I lost things I had to lose and I realized that losing isn’t a ruthless thing and neither is change. I lost everything I needed to lose to start over right.
I gave myself a real and pure chance to rebuild myself in the most authentic and untainted way. To truly and genuinely become my true self. I allowed myself to lose; graciously and gratefully.
So I urge you to lose. Lose everything that confines you or puts you in an arbitrary box. Lose everything you never felt was “you.” Lose all skin that isn’t yours. Lose, to give yourself a chance; a clean slate. Lose the weight, the pressure, the predisposition. Lose yourself because only then can you truly gain.