Your pillow is soaked with tears. Tears that you still don’t understand why had flown from your eyes so easily. You’re irritated. You’re angry even. Mostly just unaware of what’s going on between your eyes. Inside your brain. The chemicals just seem not to be mixing right lately. Rethinking every decision. How did I get here? Where did I take the wrong turn? Should I have bought the shoes? Should I have given him number? Did I say too much? I’m overexposed. I’m strung out. I’m in debt.
How do I consolidate all my feelings?
I let them combust.
I hit rock bottom.
I know I deserve to be here. All my choices. All my actions. All my words. All my unsaid feelings. They got me here. Voluntarily.
I am in control of everything I allow myself to be exposed to.
So I did it to myself? Yeah.
It feels good. The pain weighs on my mind in a way that my heart can’t handle alone.
It’s the only time in life that the two organs are in-sync.
Is that why I sink into this oblivious so easily? Can I not handle the internal conflict? Am I too weak to choose one over the other?
That’s when the extremities start to tingle. My parents. My friends. My boyfriend. My dog. They’re all making me pick one but I can’t hear my own organs to know that they’ve already weighed in. They picked the winner.
It’s when the mind over the heart wins that I allow myself to sink.
I can no longer feel the pulse of my heart because my mind has reprogramed the system to listen to it.
The nervous system is a magical creation. The nervous system is a response to the pulsations of our heart. Yet its our brains that define those pulsations as particular feelings.
So rock bottom is system failure. Combustion. Ultimate destruction.
Now you can listen to your heart.