Does anyone ever think they are really out of control? I joke about it all the time; calling myself a hot mess, asking when I’ll finally get my ‘shit together, but I never really do anything about it. Honestly, ‘my shit’ is as together as it probably ever will be, as together as it ever has been. My shit is plenty together for my liking. It’s my parents who would like me to tighten things up.
It’s funny because whether people view me as the girl who is ahead of the game, or the girl who drinks too much, really depends on who and where you’re asking. In high school I was always the smart popular girl, one of few in the “it crowd” who took AP classes.
I had school friends and weekend friends. My school friends challenged me intellectually. We could talk about primogeniture, the impending anatomy exam, and what colleges we wanted to apply for. But my school friends seemed to lack a certain depth of social skill…. Or maybe it was a lack of desire to socialize in my circle. Whatever the reason the point is, the peers who I truly enjoyed talking didn’t like doing the things I liked to do. They didn’t go to parties, or flirt, or act stupid, and they certainly didn’t have that internal curiosity of influential substances… well as far as high school goes they didn’t. My school friends could talk the talk, but didn’t even want to walk the walk.
My weekend friends were fun as hell. They had a kind of reckless abandon (that I find myself still trying to emulate) that would result in the type of fun that can’t be imitated in movies. It didn’t matter if we were getting wasted at an upperclassman party or playing a four girl game of truth or dare, we had fun, we MADE fun, we were fun. But the people who pushed my boundaries and made me laugh got uncomfortable when I brought up anything deeper than what we were doing that night. They could walk the walk, but they failed ‘the talk’ freshman year and stopped caring about foreign language after that.
And so I find myself at a constant crossroads. Which group do I most relate with? I think I lean towards the crazy side. I’ve done more reckless things than I care to admit and I’m only 20. I have an impulse for the now, and it’s hard for me to see into the future. I would by no means call myself responsible. And yet I’m the girl getting yelled at for being ‘too responsible’ when she chooses to stay sober at a party. I’m the girl who joined a sorority but free writes for fun. I’m the girl who wants to sit at the table and take shots while we talk about the variance of difficulty between majors and careers. I’m the girl who will judge your outfit and the size of your vocabulary. Where are my people?
I always thought they’d show up in college. Disclaimer, I don’t go to an Ivy League, but I got to a top 20-business school. I always thought my people would show up there…. And while I identify with so many more of my peers there is still that same dichotomy; the people who work hard and the people who party hard.
So we’re back to my original qualm. How do you know when you’re out of control? Have I chosen the wrong people? Do I value impulse and pleasure too highly? Have I fallen behind my school friends? Am I a waste of potential?
My two greatest fears are that:
A.) I have squandered the great potential I was born with or
B.) I miscalculated my potential from the start and I’m performing at expected value.
The only way to ease these fears is to do something great. Be memorable, have a purpose, be exceptional.
And I’m so afraid that I won’t.