All I Wanted To Do Was Make You Smile, And You Turned Your Back

Olga Ush
Olga Ush

I think of you when everything is falling apart. You were the person I went to when my world seemed to stop spinning. Where do I run to now?

I made a home out of you. And now everything in my home reminds me of you.

Reminds me of the nights we spent watching Netflix and eating the pizza we knew we shouldn’t have been eating. Reminds me of when you and your friends would come to party and have a good time, and how happy you felt having everyone you care about in one place. That used to include me. It doesn’t anymore. Reminds me of the smile on your face every time I would open the front door and my arms to let you in.

It reminds me of when we would argue, and how I would lock myself in my room crying with you trying to reach to me from the other side. And when you would hold me and drop the argument so you wouldn’t see any more of my tears. Maybe that’s how it all started.

You say I hurt you and I believe it. It breaks me to my core.

When you finally told me, finally let go of the feelings you were holding inside of you, my ears couldn’t believe what they were hearing. Because all I ever wanted to do was see you smile. Which is why I would send you lengthy good night texts, making sure you knew how much you meant to me. Woke up early enough to make sure you woke up to a message, knowing that someone was there for you. I was there for you. I would Facetime you every night, even if I knew I only had a few hours of sleep to spare, because having your face be the last thing I see before I slept was a blessing.

I put you before myself, before anyone else in my life. But at times you neglected me as a priority.

And the more I retaliated against that feeling, the more neglected I became. It turned into a never ending cycle. But ended with both of our hearts broken.

When you walked away, my life felt like a lie. Living in this small apartment didn’t feel the same knowing you wont be visiting anymore. It felt wrong for me to take our pictures out of the frames I had around, because life didn’t make sense without you in it. It still doesn’t.

For four months I fought for you. I tried doing anything I could to make you see that we were worth trying again. That I was worth trying again.

You said time would only tell, but to me that just meant more time spent without you by my side. I became different when you ended things. I became insecure, unsure of who I am and what I was worth, and I let you know how I felt with never ending calls and messages. I should have just let you be.

The last time we spoke I asked you, for what felt like the millionth time, if we could let the past be the past and start again with a clean slate. And love each other again like we both deserve. The love I know we were capable of. Because we were beautiful.

“I am not ready for any sort of relationship in my life right now.”

I see those words in my head every day. From when I wake up to when I dream of you. There should have never been a time that you weren’t ready for us again. No matter how much of my heart you broke, I would still choose you.

Because at the end of the day, I just want to see you smile. Even if I am no longer the cause of your happiness, I want you happy. I want you to wake up every day knowing someone is there for you. That someone believes in your dreams. And even though I am no longer in your life, I pray for your happiness every morning and every night. You were my universe. You were my moon and my stars. You were my soulmate. You still are. TC mark

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