If I could go back to our days and the brief time we shared together, I wouldn’t change a thing, except maybe that specific moment where I stood waiting for you at the airport, knowing our time was going to be over soon and I said to myself: ‘This is gonna hurt, but I will get over it’.
I wish I wasn’t such a masochist with my heart. I thought I had gone through this a few times and somehow my heart had magically developed a coping mechanism or a miracle cure to keep itself from breaking. But what I failed to realize is that heartbreak is not something you build a tolerance for. No matter how many times you go through it, every time feels like the first.
They say practice makes perfect right, and surely that applies to 99.9% of things in life, so why not heartbreak? Surely, I must be an expert at this point. I’ve had my heart broken a fair amount of times, so I believed I was ready to face whatever the next few days months would bring. I did what any reckless person would do and dove heart first into this little arrangement of ours and gave you my all knowing it would leave me bruised and aching. I seem to do that a lot, like I can go periods of time couch-potating, feeding my body only junk food, or chain-smoking my days away thinking any day I can just stop, go on a cleanse, and return to my healthy self again.
I thought I could binge on you for a short amount of time and then halt, remove you from my life completely, erase your scent and your taste. Almost like with a tequila aversion you develop from having too many shots. But the aversion has yet to show up, instead, I am harassed by withdrawal symptoms every time I listen to your song, or when I see pictures of that dark city we lit up with our infatuation for each other, or when I wake up to another day without your message on my phone.
I know our lives are going in different directions and no matter how much I try to steer your way, we cannot go back to what we had. Accepting this truth is much more painful. Accepting this truth means I have to put my big girl pants on and move on, and I am not ready to do that just yet.
So I keep going back and re-reading this cliché quote that has stuck with me since I stumbled upon it the first time. It talks about how when you want something, all the universe conspires to help you to achieve it. I always hated that quote because in my own experience, I’ve found the opposite to be true.
But I am hoping that if I just sit here and mope the universe will see how badly I want this, how badly I want us, and maybe, just maybe, this time it will take my side.