Found on Ask Reddit
A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:
Hot dog $2 Cheese burger $5 Hand job $10
He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hanjobs?”
She winks and replies, “why yes I am”. He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger”.
2 nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says “Who is it?” followed by a man’s voice saying “Blind man”. Figuring the man wouldn’t see anything they open the door. The man walks in and says “Nice tits ladies. Now where do you want me to install these blinds?”
A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says “Mom what’s that thing hang down from the elephant?” She answers “That’s his trunk” “no in the back” ” thats his tail” “No underneath” The mother blushes and says “Oh that’s nothing” The daughter is confused so she asks her dad. “Dad what’s that thing hanging down under the elephant?” “Oh that’s his penis” “Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?”
“Oh, she’s just spoiled”
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was “Timbuktu”.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
My girlfriend thought I’d be a pushover in bed, and wouldn’t you know it, she had me pegged from the start.
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.
After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, he submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of love making, the woman is no closer to orgasm whilst the man is nearly finished and wants to hold out, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places until he is ready to do more. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the man wafts the towel.
After 2 minutes the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The man looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims “now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel.”
I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.
What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?
Computers don’t laugh at 3.5″ floppies
Dougall O’Reilly is at the pub one night when he climbs to feet: “I got one fer ya!” he says, “I got one!” The crowd quiets. “Here’s to spendin’ the rest o’ me life, lyin’ between the legs ‘o me wife!” It’s an easy audience, everyone’s half cut, and wouldn’t you know? He wins the prize for best toast of the night!
Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. He snaps a £20 note and presents it to his wife: “Mary, guess who won the prize fer the best toast o’ the night?”
“Oh, isn’t that lovely?” says Mary, “And what was this wonderful toast you made?”
“I said Here’s to spendin’ the rest of me life, lyi– er, uh, settin’ in church beside me wife.”
“That’s… nice, Dougall.” she says, looking puzzled.
Next day, she’s on High Street to get something nice for dinner with the wee bounty, when she runs smack into one of Dougall’s drinking buddies. “Hey, Mary,” he says, leering, “Didja know Dougall won a prize with a toast about yer last night?”
“I know!” she says, “though I was a bit surprised meself. I mean, he’s only been there twice in four years, and the last time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
makes choking sounds
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?”
The father says, “Making a puppy.”
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
The father replies, “Making a baby.”
The little boy says, “Can yoy turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy.”
A man is in a lift (elevator) with a beautiful woman. he looks her up and down, leans forward and says to her “Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?”
“Certainly not!” she replys
“It must be your feet then.” says the man.
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”
The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. At 8 o’clock, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, god!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud anal sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”
Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”. The other replies, “Neither have I. It must be the cobbles”.
Guy sitting at a bar, his friend comes up to him and asks ‘why are you looking so down?’
‘Well, you know that woman at my office that I get an erection over even just thinking about, I finally got the courage to ask her out’
‘That’s awesome, what happened?’
‘Before the date, I was nervous about getting a hard on in front of her so I taped my penis to my leg so even if I got a boner, she wouldn’t see it’
‘Good thinking, what happened next?’
‘I knocked on her door and she looks absolutely amazing, like proper humdinging’
‘I kicked her in the face’
When King Arthur went on the crusades he left behind his most trusted knights of the round table to watch over his beautiful queen Guenivere. Her beauty was such that no man in the land could withstand it. Knowing this, wise King Arthur affixed her with a chastity belt, which on the outside had many spikes and snags to disuade any competitors.
When he returned from the crusades he called a meeting of his knights, and demanded they all drop their trousers to see who had been unfaithful and had attempted to lay with Guenivere. All the men except Good Sir Lancelot had scars and cuts on their thighs and genitals, showing that they had been unfaithful to King Arthur. Arthur said: “Lancelot my friend, wisest, noblest and kindest of all my Knights, how did you resist the beauty of Guinevere?” Lancelot responded: “ifluvllvl fvlvuusshh fahfahlavulah”
This joke is best when told in public and incredibly overperformed with storytelling and accents and such, as my uncle did when he told it to 14 year old me at a fine dining restaurant
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.
a 9 year old girl came up to her mother and said “whats sex?” the mother sat her down and gave “the talk”. after explaining she asked her daughter why she asked? and the daughter said “I told dad dinner was ready and he said he would be down in a few secs”
Two ladies are sitting in a veterinary waiting room with their dogs. One of them has a large Rottweiler. She peers over at the other and asks “what are you in for?”
The second has a tiny Terrier. She looks up abruptly and replies “ohhhh well Rosco here gets so excited when the mail is delivered. He runs all over the house and then mounts my leg. I can’t do anything with him in that state… so I’m having him fixed. How about you?”
The first lady snaps back “oh my! I have the same issue with Brutus here! When I go out to get the paper, as soon as I bend down he’s all over me!”
“Oh you’re getting him fixed then?”
“No, I’m getting his nails trimmed…”
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole. She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said “honey, he just wanted to see your underwear.” The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said “I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole.” Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother “mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn’t wear any underwear.”
A family walks into the lobby of a hotel when the father quickly approaches the front desk ahead of his family. He asks the receptionist “I hope the porn in the room is disabled”. As the rest of the family approach the desk, the receptionist responds “it’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”
If blackbirds make baby blackbirds and bluebirds make baby bluebirds, what kind of bird makes no baby bird?
Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“Dip your finger into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
Saint Peter asks the same question of the second nun.
“Yes,” she admits. “I once touched a penis with one hand.”
“Dip your hand into the holy water and enter the kingdom of Heaven,” says Saint Peter. The second nun complies and enters heaven.
At this point, the fourth nun abruptly cuts in line.
“Hang on!” she says, pointing at the third nun. “You’d better let me go next, because there’s no way I’m gargling that shit after she sticks her ass in it!”
A bank manager called into his office one of his employees to tell her about the company downsizing. After some small talk, he finally mustered up the courage to break the news. He said,
“Mary, I’m not sure how to say this to you, but I’ve got a tough decision to make. I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”
Mary stands up, looked him in the eyes and said,
“Jack off. I’ve got a headache.”
I read this somewhere else but; Two elderly women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trenchcoat runs up to them and flashes them. One woman had a stroke. The other couldn’t reach.
One of my favorite Little Johnny jokes.
On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class “Which part of the body went to heaven first?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl.
Then a little boy raises his hand and says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. “Very good,” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no”, she thought, “I’m not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, “Oh god, I’m coming!”
How does a Welsh man find a sheep in tall grass???
Quite lovely, actually.
Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. “What do you think we should do?” she asks. Father frowns and responds “Well I guess spanking him is out of the question”
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
“Let’s have sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: “Meow.”
A man comes home to his wife with a sheep under his arm.
He says “Honey, this is the pig I fuck when I’m not with you.”
“That’s not a pig,” she says.
He replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”