What do you do when the person who breaks your heart was the person who once made you feel whole? How do you put yourself together again when you’re always left feeling like something is missing?

I fell in love with a man who made me learn how to love myself again. Who took the time to understand my insecurities and actively fought against them. Who built me up to be the person he knew I could be; who truly believed in me to his core. He made me feel comfortable opening up again. He made me feel like the world wasn’t out to get me.

We were so close that he felt like an extension of myself, like an arm or a leg. He knew me so well that he knew how to crawl under my skin and get into my head. We were two different people, but we were somehow one — we no longer knew how to be apart from each other. We didn’t want to know what that was like.

And then, one day, he left.

Nothing hurts more than feeling betrayed by the person who taught you you didn’t deserve to be left behind, to be forgotten, to be hurt. Nothing makes you feel more empty than having a piece of you torn away for good. And nothing stings more than than when the truth hits you like a slap in the face.

So, tell me: how do you get over someone who you didn’t just love, but was a big piece of who you were?

It isn’t easy; I know that now. But it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

You will grieve — that much is certain. You will hurt until you don’t think you can hurt anymore. You will ask yourself what you did wrong and pray, again and again, to get back what was taken away from you. It will not be easy, or fast, or painless. But slowly, surely, you will heal.

It starts with acceptance. With coming to terms that you had something wonderful, and that you lost it, and that it’s not coming back. That it hurt to lose it, but that it means it was something worth having to begin with. Just because it ended badly doesn’t mean that it didn’t begin beautifully. And just because things didn’t work out in the end doesn’t mean it wasn’t right. Tell yourself that it was worth it for the good that came out of it. Everything happens for a reason, and it changed who you are for the better.

And then remember that it ended for a reason, too, and it isn’t your fault. It isn’t because you aren’t lovable, or that you were messed up, or that you were wrong. It just wasn’t something that was meant to stay. Life isn’t always fair; it doesn’t always work out the way we planned it to. And that’s OK. Even if it doesn’t feel that way, it is. Sometimes we have to have our hearts broken so we can put them back together again. Sometimes we need to have someone to make us feel whole so that we know what it means to be that way at all.

But don’t for a second think that you need them to complete you; don’t you dare believe that you are not whole on your own. Because you are a dynamic being on your own; you have hopes and dreams and fears independent of any person. Did they help you realize them? Maybe. Did they push you toward them? I’d hope so. But it’s time to find yourself outside of that and finally understand your own hopes and dreams. Those are the things no person can take away from you.

So remember that when you feel as though something has been ripped from your side and left you with a gaping hole. You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to be sad, to feel broken, even. But never, ever think that you can’t be whole on your own. Because darling, you already are.