You say I’m perfect, secure, and that I am all you ever wanted. You say you know me and that you have me all figured out like the back of your hand. You claim to have already seen every side, even the ones I hide.
You say you are in love with me.
You are making a mistake.
You are not in love with me.
You are in love with the intangible idea that you see whenever you look at me. You are in love with what you think I am. Not for who I really am. It is what you choose to see and the image of me that I choose to show that you are in love with.
Yet, you still try to deny all that.
How can you say that you know me, when I don’t even know myself to begin with?
You don’t know half of the wars happening inside my head every second of every single day. You don’t know what is on the other side of all the fake smiles and the four walls that I built so high.
You think you know all these things, but you don’t…you really don’t.
You are not in love with me. You are in love with your idea of me.
Let’s stop this now and save ourselves…more importantly, save yourself.
Save yourself from the disappointment for I am far from all the things you pictured me to be. Save yourself all the trouble and the pain of wounding yourself from broken shards that were once part of who I am. Save yourself from the fatal storm inside of me, which I try my hardest to keep at bay whenever you come to the picture.
Please do not try to save me. Because even I, who has total control over what haunts me, is on the verge of falling into what seems to be an infinite abyss of shattered dreams. I need to save myself first before I let people in…before I let you in.
Know that it also pains me to push you away, when all you ever do is reach for me.
I just don’t want you to get hurt from the rough and rusty edges of my cold soul, constantly aching, crying in the middle of the night wondering where it all went wrong.
I don’t want you holding yourself accountable again, I might add, for something that you clearly did not do.
You have been through so much all on your own and I can see the light in your eyes slowly diminish as you walk me down that painful memory of yours. I cannot stand the very thought of your beautiful, fragile and innocent heart breaking even further.
You need someone who can mend your soul, not shatter it into a million pieces.
There are people out there who truly deserve the crazy amount of genuine love you give…and I am not one of those people and I don’t think I’ll ever be.
Before I end this, know that you are amazing and I deeply appreciate your every word and every second we spent laughing until the moon bid us goodbye.
You are perfect and your cracks do not define who you are.
I cannot have you taking the bullet again. If anyone deserves to be held at gunpoint, it’s me.
I want you to be happy…because you deserve to be.