I’ll Always Be Sorry For Breaking You

lindsay94ferris
lindsay94ferris

I’m sorry. I’ve said those words so many times they’re engraved into my brain. But not once did I not mean them.

I know it was the night before Valentine’s Day, I know it was an awful thing to do, and I know I broke your heart. But the thing is – it wasn’t about you. It wasn’t even about me.

I was looking for a way to destroy myself, not you.

I never wanted to hurt you, and as awful as this may sound, you weren’t even on my mind when I did it.

I texted him for something other than sex, but that’s what I got along with it. You know what I wanted in the first place, and you also knew what it would cost me.

I did, too.

I know I came over the next morning, with my tail between my legs, ashamed, dirty, and loaded. I know you kicked me out of your house and told me that you could never trust me again – and you didn’t.

But I also know that you never said the words “I’m breaking up with you”, because neither of us wanted that. What we wanted was something we couldn’t have – a healthy relationship.

What you don’t know is that when it happened, I didn’t want it. I tried to stop it, but was too scared and too high to do anything about it. No, I didn’t say no. But I also didn’t say yes.

That doesn’t excuse what I did to you. I knew where our relationship would go if I even put myself in that situation. I knew how you would feel about me, and how I would feel about myself.

There are so many things about that night I never told you, though. Not once did I realize it was the night before Valentine’s Day, not until the next morning. Not once did I know he was in a relationship too. Not once did I think about how this would affect you. And not once did I want to do what I did.

It was a distraction, you see. Sleep with him, or take the pills. I wanted to hold out for one more night, because the one thing I did think about was how I didn’t want to put you through that final thing. So I chose what I saw as the better option.

I know it wasn’t a good option, and I know I hurt you. I know I’ve said, “I’m sorry” a million times, and that you might never completely forgive me. That’s okay.

You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t even forgive myself.

We’ve both moved on since then, and now we live hours apart, in different relationships and different parts of our lives.

I just want you to know that I’m not there anymore. I’m not making that decision, and I haven’t since that night. I’m not doing those things and feeling those ways.

I’m happy now, and I sincerely hope you are too.

I know what I did to you. I know I broke us, and it kills me to write that down. But I always was, and always will be, sorry. TC mark

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