I’m sorry. I’ve said those words so many times they’re engraved into my brain. But not once did I not mean them.
I know it was the night before Valentine’s Day, I know it was an awful thing to do, and I know I broke your heart. But the thing is – it wasn’t about you. It wasn’t even about me.
I never wanted to hurt you, and as awful as this may sound, you weren’t even on my mind when I did it.
I texted him for something other than sex, but that’s what I got along with it. You know what I wanted in the first place, and you also knew what it would cost me.
I did, too.
I know I came over the next morning, with my tail between my legs, ashamed, dirty, and loaded. I know you kicked me out of your house and told me that you could never trust me again – and you didn’t.
But I also know that you never said the words “I’m breaking up with you”, because neither of us wanted that. What we wanted was something we couldn’t have – a healthy relationship.
What you don’t know is that when it happened, I didn’t want it. I tried to stop it, but was too scared and too high to do anything about it. No, I didn’t say no. But I also didn’t say yes.
That doesn’t excuse what I did to you. I knew where our relationship would go if I even put myself in that situation. I knew how you would feel about me, and how I would feel about myself.
There are so many things about that night I never told you, though. Not once did I realize it was the night before Valentine’s Day, not until the next morning. Not once did I know he was in a relationship too. Not once did I think about how this would affect you. And not once did I want to do what I did.
It was a distraction, you see. Sleep with him, or take the pills. I wanted to hold out for one more night, because the one thing I did think about was how I didn’t want to put you through that final thing. So I chose what I saw as the better option.
I know it wasn’t a good option, and I know I hurt you. I know I’ve said, “I’m sorry” a million times, and that you might never completely forgive me. That’s okay.
We’ve both moved on since then, and now we live hours apart, in different relationships and different parts of our lives.
I just want you to know that I’m not there anymore. I’m not making that decision, and I haven’t since that night. I’m not doing those things and feeling those ways.
I’m happy now, and I sincerely hope you are too.
I know what I did to you. I know I broke us, and it kills me to write that down. But I always was, and always will be, sorry.