My current roommate brings out the bad side of me. It’s like every single day I have to suppress this anger of me wanting to punch her in the face. I always considered myself a nonviolent person, but with her? I turn into the Hulk. So let me tell you a little bit about this roommate of mine and the 22 times I wanted to punch her in the face.
1. As we were moving in, she decided to tell me her boyfriend would be living with us although he won’t be able to be on the lease. Um, no thank you.
2. I was out in LA working, because you know, I actually work. She texts me a huge paragraph expressing how there was a stain on the stove and I needed to clean it up so things wouldn’t be tense between us anymore. I go home, trying to find a stain, and it was literally a drop of water. A DROP OF WATER.
3. The time she tried to get me to pay $400 dollars more a month because I have the master bedroom, although she INSISTED she have the smaller one.
4. The time I told her I eventually want a dog and she said she never wants any animals near her because she hates them all.
5. The time I told her my boyfriend got a job performing at Disney and she said she hated Disney.
6. And she also mentioned she hated rides.
7. And mascots.
8. And the sun.
9. And people. Who hates people and animals? You only get to hate one.
10. The time I left the house and accidentally slammed the door and I got sent an entire paragraph about how I woke her up and should be more considerate. It was 4PM.
11. Oh! And I can’t forget how she brought in a shitty, cheap fridge from Craigslist, and when I asked if I was allowed to use it she said I needed to give her a security deposit. Uh…your 1997 fridge is taking all of our electricity, and the fridge space, AND you have the nerve to ask for MONEY?
12. For some odd reason, she always wants me to pay more for everything. Hey! I work three jobs. Hey! Your parents wire money to your bank account every month.
13. Her and her boyfriend are texting me every time there is a problem, yet when they see me in person they can’t even look me in the eye. And when I say “Hey guys, what’s up?” or something of that nature, they barely give me a nod.
14. Each apartment gets one parking spot, right? They didn’t have a car the first month we lived there, so we were parking in the carport. When they finally got a car, she says “Because you got it the entire month of July, we’re gonna take it the entire month of August.” Okay sweetie, no you aren’t. It’s not my problem you didn’t have a car.
15. Oh, yeah. She never asks questions or compromises. Nothing is a conversation. It’s always “you’re gonna do this” and “I’m gonna do that.” Not in my book, bitch. I’ve lived with four girls in a small NYC apartment once. Don’t even try it.
16. One time, my bananas were on the counter and they were going bad. She texts me this: “There are flies on your bananas.” I’m sorry, but what am I supposed to say back to that? Fruit flies are normal. Get over it.
17. The first day of move-in, she has my boyfriend and I help carry all of her furniture in. Then, we have to pay to use it, and if we do use it, we have to deep clean it after. I call bullshit. She didn’t even say thanks.
18. She got jealous once because her boyfriend and I were talking. If you don’t want us to talk, have him live somewhere else?
19. I lived with my mother for 18 years, and while I love that woman, it got hard to live with her sometimes. But you know what? I dealt with it, because she was my mother. This girl treats me like a child and constantly talks down to me like I don’t know what anything is.
20. Also, her boyfriend looks like a naked mole rat.
21. And she has tacky furniture.
22. And a terrible dye job.