An Open Letter Confessional From A Flight Attendant

I remember when I was a senior student in college, I watched the movies “No Strings Attached” and “Friends with Benefits” and I thought to myself, “This thing happens to some people. But it will never happen to me.” When I think about back then now, boy I was wrong!

And then I got a job as a flight attendant. Not a kind of job that I’ve dreamed of, but then who cares, I’ve dreamed of going around the world, and being a flight attendant could help me reach my dreams. I left my home country to start a new job with a new environment simply to get a new experience. Never thought that new experience meant that I would do something that I thought that wouldn’t happen to me.

I just started to fly and recently got my wings when I had a flight with you with the supervisor that gave everybody on board a hard time. We were in the same galley and I was nervous about everything. I wasn’t sure about how to operate the ovens in the galley, I barely knew how to heat the meals for the passengers when you were there to kindly teach me all the things I needed to know.

You said, “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. This job is so easy, sooner or later you’ll grasp things before you know it.”

You were in charge for galley, but since you knew that I was new, you helped me too during the service. And after the service, you said, “Look how easier things are when we do it together. Maybe we should work together more often.” And I laughed nervously, cause I was afraid that I did something wrong during the service. I didn’t even get it that you probably threw a hint or even tried to flirt with me, until it was the break time and we were in the galley, and you started the conversation.

You were an easy-going person, and I was a bit shy. You probably noticed that from the first time, which made you decide to start the conversation first. You asked me what I was majoring at in university, and I said I finished my study majoring at International Relations. You were so amused with the answer, you said, “So you know better how to maintain a relationship between X girl and Y guy?”

You mentioned nationalities, just the way I was joking around with my friends about making some cheesy pick-up lines related to my study. And this time, I was the one who got amused of something someone said to me related to the major that I took in university. But then again, I just laughed and tried to let it go.

And then you went on with things like, “Could you imagine how our kids are gonna be? He would be tall and chubby like his father, with Asian eyes like his mother’s. Or if she’s a girl, she’s gonna be pretty like her mother.” I was laughing was too hard, I almost cried so I said no, that’s not gonna work because I have a boyfriend.

But you couldn’t just give up, could you? Because you kept rambling about how hard it is to maintain a long distance relationship, so there’s nothing wrong about trying to work things out with someone nearby. And then you said something like, “Well if you have a boyfriend, then it’s okay. But it’s not like you’re gonna end up with him, so can you please just try?”

And by the time we reached our destination, it was the one without layover, and you sat beside me on the jump seats. I started to be both get annoyed and get excited when you did that, and when the cleaners came to clean the aircraft, you just sat beside me and told everybody that I was going to be your future wife and I kept insisting that I had a boyfriend. And in the end of the day, you invited me to come over to your room so we can watch movie sometimes, and we swapped our numbers.

I just saved your number just because you gave me, and it’s all that. But then on the way back to our base, there were only a few passengers so there was no passenger in your zone. You found this to be the other way for you to teach me more things about Boeing 777 that I found quiet interesting.

And then we reached our base just to find out that we live in exactly the same floor. So, you asked me to come over since your roommate was flying somewhere that day. I was bluffing and said yes, I’d come over after I took a shower. Not to mention that I mentioned the fact that I got my period that day just so you would quit it. And then your response was quiet surprising, you said, “It’s even better, so we’ll have our own protection. I’m single yet I’m good in bed, but you’ll see then…”

I laughed. I thought you were kidding.

I took a shower, but then I was ready to sleep in my room when you called my room. You said it was you, and you just wanted to make sure that I’d come by, so I had no choice.

In your room, you told me that you have a band back home, and that you’re into Diane Krall. You’re into jazz, and you’re a drummer. And I was like, “Okay, my ex boyfriend was in a band too. He played jazz though he’s a bassist.” You kept talking about yourself when I started yawning and said, “I’m sorry, but now I’m sleepy. Can I see you later?” That was probably what made things the way it is now.

You said I could sleep in your room, and I said no because I had a boyfriend and that would not be fair for him if I sleep in your room. The hell with that, there was something in yourself that made me stay in your room that night, so I laid down on your bed innocently just so that I could sleep for awhile. But I was too naïve because then you joined me in the bed and said it’s okay.

That was a hell of night, because I didn’t even need to get drunk to start kissing you on the lips and then the kiss got so deep, I didn’t even remember when was the last time I kissed someone like that. Not even with my boyfriend. We started to exchange the kiss, the night got so hot. You caressed me like nobody ever did, and then you started to touch my body. And then you whispered, “I told you it’s even better because now we got our own protection. I can’t have sex with you now because you got your period.”

But then I gotta admit it, I didn’t need to have sex with you to know that you’re good in bed. You know how to treat a woman in bed, that’s for sure. And for a moment, I forgot that I committed to another guy back home. I embraced the moment with you just to come back for more.

It was the first time in my life I betrayed a guy that I had a relationship with. People said long distance relationship is hard, but I thought it wasn’t that hard. So I told my boyfriend I had an affair although people considered it as ‘normal’ since we didn’t even have sex. He couldn’t accept, and we broke up. A good thing though, so I could come back for more to you without any guilty feeling.

And the next time we met, my roommate flew somewhere and you called me and asked me how I was doing that day. So you came to my room, and then we had sex for the first time. You were right. You were so good in bed, I couldn’t resist. I was so afraid of other people’s judgement, though you ensured me that other people did it too.

I wasn’t so innocent myself. But I had never had sex with anyone if he’s not a boyfriend of mine. So, I thought since we had sex, we actually had something special. So I asked you about what we were, and you said, “We’re buddies. You’re my fuck buddy.”

And then you started to get mad when I said I went out drinking during a layover somewhere with an Italian first officer. Until I came to the point I had a hungover during a layover in Manila, and then I slept with another guy. I knew that I shouldn’t feel guilty because we were only fuck buddy and I could sleep with whoever the hell I wanted. So, I told you I slept with someone else. And you were such a mad cow asking me with whom I was sleeping with. You slept with someone else too, I didn’t need to know the names, but you insisted. So I just got angry and left the room cause I thought you came outside the line, wrecking my privacy.

We had our affair in exactly six month until it happened, the good thing was that I was about to come back home for vacation so I could relax forgetting about the fact that in six months, I did the sins that I had never done in six years. I never knew what carefree is until I met you.

A month without any text or any call from you, I thought everything was finished. But then you sent me Happy New Year text and then the conversation started again by the time I came back to base after the vacation.

You said you wanted a new start, but I wasn’t sure what I wanted. So I told you to quit it, let’s just be the fuck buddy as we were in the first place. Don’t let anybody know what we do, because we cherish the time we spent together only for the two of us, not for the others.

But then I don’t see the point why we are fuck buddies now we decided not to sleep with anybody else. Why you make everything so complicated? Why don’t you just go out and sleep with whoever the hell woman you meet somewhere? Why don’t you just make me sure that we’re only fuck buddy? Why you have to look me in the eyes and act like you care the whole thing about me, when really you only want to have my body?

I don’t wanna mistake your lust into your love, because it won’t be fair. But for once, I’m asking you to sleep around so I’ll be sure that we’re nothing but fuck buddy. Don’t act like you care about me, don’t tell me you miss me when you simply just want my body.

You’re a good friend, a good kisser, and a good lover. But then again, I feel like living in Regency era as a courtesan in Gaelen Foley’s series. The primary rule of the game that I’m playing with you is one: never fall in love. Otherwise it will forfeit the game, and whoever declares first loses.

And I don’t want to lose. I don’t want to fall in love with you.