Goodbyes, in all forms and context, can really be painful.
Sometimes, it would feel like I’m riding a bike down a slope, ready to crash head first to the ground. I can probably stop it from happening. But once the brake is out of control, it’s time to let go. Sometimes, it would feel like I’m drowning in the sea of regrets and the what-ifs.
I could’ve reached out for someone to help me get out of the ocean; to spare me with air to breath, but then nobody’s there to come for me. Other times, it feels like I wanted to take matters into my own hands. With all those pain, guilt, and bottled up emotions flooding my soul—they’re all that I’ve got yet they are beyond my control. The searing pain brought about by the thoughts of losing you for eternity is slowly killing my insides, like a sharp knife digging deep into my skin, down to my chest cavities, and into my heart—my heart that was torn apart into bloody debris, now a dirty pool of dust lying lifeless on the ground.
Goodbye. To you. And to me.
As you leaving me kills every hope that I have in us. Loving you made me a different person. I made a fool of myself. I became a stranger stuck in this unfamiliar body because I feel so lost trying to love the man who had me waiting for nothing. I don’t know that a thousand miles weren’t far away enough for you to distance yourself from me. Maybe you need more space? Maybe you need more time to think things through?
Whatever the reason is, I just don’t know what to believe in anymore. I don’t know how many times we have said goodbye to each other already. But one thing was for sure, you would always come back to me. And you weren’t sure whether to leave me or not. You were indecisive that way.
Then one day, I asked you if you’re afraid of losing me. You asked me back if I wanted a helpful answer or an honest one. So I told you honesty is always better.
There’s no use hiding the truth since we’re both adults now. We’re not kids anymore who play make-believe. And without a doubt, you said yes. I wasn’t prepared. All I did was blame you for leaving me hanging. All I did was think that it was a one-sided love. But then here you are, saying, you’re afraid of losing me.
Maybe you’re scared of goodbyes the same way as I am. But then there’s no way I’m going to find out unless you speak the truth. I don’t get hints anymore. One more mixed signal then I’m jumping over to conclusions.
Thinking about you coming back is a sweet escape to the reality that we have been going through all along. It’s the best illusion that I have believed in even if I am sure that you wouldn’t waste your time rekindling the fire that was burned out within you.
Maybe you are afraid of losing me, but you don’t have a choice than to move on because you can’t risk getting in this twisted love affair—with all these distance and different time zones scattered in our parallel universe. You might be scared of losing me but you wanted to do what’s best for us.
I wanted to beg you not to leave.
Then I realized that there would be nothing left of me anymore if I’d risk my pride while pulling you back. You don’t know how much willpower I needed in order to stop myself from chasing empty pavements that you’ve built for me. I’ll just keep wondering…
Do you feel the same way too? Does it hurt? Did you cry? How does it feel like pushing away the girl who meant everything to you? Was it hard for you to leave behind the person you once loved? Everything was unbearable for me.
So I asked myself, “Why would I waste my time wishing and hoping for something that wouldn’t come?” I’m so tired of keeping my hopes up for. Maybe it’s about time we truly end this? Goodbyes have been said, the damage has been done, and still no love can be found. Love doesn’t live here anymore.
I repeatedly told myself until the deepest parts of my soul have accepted the truth. But then I’ve come to realized that whatever I do, I can’t stand to say goodbye. That’s the saddest word I’ve ever heard, especially when it came from you.