1. Talk to your parents weekly
Set a time limit, start off the conversation with “I can only chat for a few minutes.” Do not ask them about their lives, for fear of hearing how they cleaned the rain gutters, or how your childhood pet is doing in graphic and ennui detail.
2. Get to know yourself
Stop ordering crudo and other things on the menu you haven’t yet tried. You don’t try them for a reason. You have a favorite and are at least marginally satisfied with your mediocre product at the end of it. Don’t try to scale up or down. Accept your station in life.
3. Find your circle
Party like everyone is watching. Talk about partying, photograph yourself partying, appear to be partying but never actually party. It will make you poor, fat, and you’ll wake up with a text you don’t remember sending. It’s always better to *appear* you had fun, rather than accept the dark reality that all conversations that happen at a bar are quintessentially the same.
4. Get a decent paying job
If you don’t resign your dreams in your twenties, you will most likely be single in your thirties and childless in your forties. This could be *okay* for a period of time, however, typically spinsters have no children to pay for their healthcare costs. Lean in.
5. Live without regret
Recent research shows that individuals biggest regret on their deathbed, secondary only to never finding their birth parents and never granting their sworn enemy forgiveness, was pinning DIY crafts on Pinterest and viewing the Snapchat stories of others inconsequential moments with geo-located filters.
6. Keep a tan
And a pet. If you want to get laid consistently and feel marginally better about yourself, keep both these things on you at all times. According to unpopular opinion, these things are nonessential in assessing your quality of as a person.
7. Live in the moment
If you have no other skills, Instagram well. It will probably be on your resume one day.
8. Live your truth
Do you ever find yourself telling a friend about a dream you had? Going on and on about an old flame? This is something you may imagine to be interesting to those around you, but is, in fact, a mirage of narcissism that has lead you to believe everything happens for a reason.
9. Use condoms
Regrettable sex, stranger sex, either way, it is important to guard against intimacy by engaging in sex, only with people so emotionally distant, you cannot yet broach the subject of STDs or alternate birth control methods. Make them pull out so you can have the added guarantee that the act is equally unfulfilling.
10. Take back your power
Continue to avoid the person you really love. Be only half as into people as they are into you. If you find yourself having true and unmistakable feeling simply walk away and never speak to them again. Remember how much you ignore someone inversely correlates with how appealing you are to them.
Keep in touch via text. Remember how wonderful it is we live in an age where you are able to be involved in others lives, without making any real genuine effort. Remain a certain amount of vague and never state any clear intentions. Say hey, I care, but not really, but what are you doing? But okay, I just asked that to tell you what I’m doing. It’s #pizza. If you panic, just respond with a flood of koala emojis, after if to say, message received but not reciprocated.
12. Go Outside
Remember there is more to life than the internet. According to the internet, there are all kinds of things you could be doing with your life.