How To Be The Worst Employee Ever: A 10 Step Guide To Professional Failure

1) Start getting ready to go to work about 45 minutes before you are scheduled to be at your desk. Shower, but do not worry about drying your hair.

2) Upon arriving to work fifteen minutes late, sit next to the portable floor fan and brush your hair as though you are actually using a blow dryer. Admire your ‘do and take a selfie or three.

3) Sit at your boss’ desk and use her mirror to apply your make-up as you reach across her keyboard, knocking things over, and look through her paperwork.

4) Neglect your duties for the first 45 minutes to 1 hour, choosing instead to catch up on your Facebook news feed and check the same old emails for the 20th time.

5) When your co-worker stops by to ask if an assignment is finished, feign ignorance and let them know that you’ll find out from someone else and report back.

6) Leave for a cigarette break and wait outside in the back lot until another co-worker who smokes comes along. Bum a smoke and have them light it. Complain about how stressful your day has been so far.

7) Write a to-do list and check off two or three items. Leave it on your desk in a prominent location so your boss can see.

8) Tell your boss two weeks ahead of time that you will be away with no access to technology for a full week. Apologize and let her know that you will make it up by working extra hours upon your return.

9) Take lunch at your desk but eat slowly and spread your food out all over so it looks like a counter top. Stretch your meal 2-3 hours so that you can indulge in Facebook and catch up on your Reddit threads.

10) Complain of a head ache and ask to leave half an hour early, promising that you will come in at 8:30 rather than 9 tomorrow.