1. Their remedy for every health issue is to: A) drink a 7-Up; or B) take a shit.
2. When you were growing up, they would never let you sleep over at an American’s house.
3. When you ask your dad for money the first thing he does is take out his wallet, take a deep breath, and give you a two-hour speech on how when he was a child and asked his dad for money he would get 10 cents and that he was grateful for that 10 cents.
4. If you complain about driving somewhere, they give you another two-hour speech on how they would walk three hours just to go to school, no matter what the conditions of the road were, no matter how hot the weather was, and no matter how many bombs were exploding.
5. They randomly tell you how lucky you are to be living in the United States.
6. You’ve helped them learn the Constitution to become a US citizen.
7. Your dad spits or grunts at the TV or changes the channel if he sees any sort of intimacy between a man and a woman.
8. When you were being disrespectful in public, they would either: A) pull your ears and whisper death threats in your foreign language; or B) wait until you get in the car to beat the complete shit out of you.
9. When talking with an American they all of a sudden change their speech configuration and begin to talk very slowly and nod their head even if they aren’t agreeing with anything.
10. At least once in your lifetime, again while being disrespectful, they have stopped the car and threatened to leave you in the middle of the road.
11. When you got lost as a child you would go to Customer Service to page your parents, and the employees wouldn’t be able to pronounce their first name or last name.
12. When standing in a long line or are in a confined space they mutter, “Shit. I feel like I’m back home.”
13. They complain to other immigrant parents how spoiled we are and how we wouldn’t survive one day back home.
14. Your mom gives you a guilt trip if you eat out and not at home.
15. When talking back home they yell into the phone as if technology hasn’t improved in the past 30 years.
16. Your dad tries to be cool by greeting you with a “Yo wassup bro homie G playa.”
17. When you get the mail and notice a dirty envelope, you automatically know it’s from relative back home wanting money.
18. You have never seen your parents show affection toward each other on a regular basis.
19. They love chicken. Not because chicken tastes good, but because they used to have them as pets.
20. Your mom will kill anyone who steps foot in the living room or salon. That area is reserved for special guests only.
21. Your family eats dinner at 10 o’clock at night.
22. In your baby photo albums, you have about five million pictures with random families.
23. You have so much gold jewelry in your house, that if anyone non-ethnic sees they’d start getting suspicious.
24. They call the vibrate feature on a cell phone a “vibrator.”
25. They had Afros back home and not because it was in style, but because of the humidity.
26. Your dad watches Discovery Channel on a regular basis.
27. Your mom uses your old T-shirts or undershirts as cloth to dust around the house.
28. Their greatest technological challenge was learning to press flash when they were on the phone and the call-waiting signal beeped.
29. Your mom stuffs anything edible into the refrigerator.
30. In every family picture, there has to be some type of botanical plant in the background, otherwise the picture is not complete.
31. They made you go get the weapon they were about to beat you up with.
32. No one ever talks to each other in your family. You are always YELLING at each other.
33. Your parents always introduce you to people with the opening line of “They knew you when you were a baby!”
34. Family and relative gatherings are a time to eat seven meals, diagnose each other’s health issues, fight/argue over politics and religion, discuss who has gained the most weight and why, discuss who has lost weight and why, discuss whose relationship is closest to marriage, discuss why the married couples haven’t had a child yet, discuss whoever has had one child on why they aren’t pregnant with the second child, and who has recently pissed off other family members.
35. According to immigrant parents, if are you single 16 to 18, it’s OK because you are still young and in high school. If you are single from 18 to 22, it’s OK because you are in college and focusing on your degree. If you are single from 22 to 27, it’s OK because you are focusing on your career and your independence. If you are over 27 and single, you are fucked.