This Might Be The Biggest Mistake I Could Make, But This Is Me Choosing You Anyway

You have me. I know that. I have known that since the first time I kissed you and felt my heart drop into my feet. Like a heavy bass drop, straight down to my toes I could feel it tingling. You have me. You know that. You have known that since you kissed me and pulled back slowly, just to watch me react by moving in closer to follow your lips, entranced.

It’s like driving your car straight into a sunset on the highway. I could put the sun visor down to hide the glare. I don’t. I let the colors blind me. I could turn my music down a few notches. Instead, I blast it. I could put out that cigarette. I smoke another. I could roll my windows up to a reasonable height so my hair isn’t whipping across my face, I roll it down further and drive faster.

Everything that I ever wanted was wrapped up in one human being. Can you even imagine that? I don’t think these things even exist in the real world. Someone so moving. You moved me the moment I saw you. You moved everything. My entire world shifted. The catch, of course, is when you find this human being, it’s kind of the beginning and the end of everything.

Why do we as human beings choose the things we know are bad for us?

The things we know will end up hurting us. I see myself sitting on the floor of my shower, my tears mixing in with the hot water dripping down the side of my face and my lips where you once kissed me. Every drop running down a place you once touched. I see you hurting me already, it could be tomorrow or ten years from now but I see it. And yet I find myself standing nightly outside the home where your heart resides…I’m standing there at the door with no reassurance that nobody will ever answer. And yet here I stand.

I have a theory as to why we choose the people who never choose us.

We want to see how bad it gets.

Kind of like watching a car crash in slow motion. You can’t look away. You can’t shut your eyes. Your animalistic instincts won’t let you. We watch the metal twist and the glass break and the gas ignite the whole thing in flames while we stand there and watch…the whole time biting our bottom lip and thinking ‘how awful.’ it’s not awful though is it? We can’t look away. The darkest deepest parts of us always want to see just how bad the accident is. We want to see how far the bone will bend until it cracks. How tight we can pull the rubber band until it snaps.

In the same way, I wonder how deeply I will let you invade my heart, how many levels of my soul will you penetrate, how far can you really take me before I break?

Don’t look away — it’s just getting good.