We are a nation of misplaced priorities. If something happens and we can’t tell our 781 Facebook friends about it, did it actually occur? When Facebook is down and users cannot log in, we see how much social media is a part of our lives. If one network goes down, another is flooded with posts of complaints. If you think today’s society has any chance of surviving a major catastrophe, Facebook crashes have taught me otherwise. These are some thoughts that social media addicts have when Facebook is down:
1. I can already feel the muscles I use to “like” a cute kitten photo begin to atrophy.
2. In other news, worldwide productivity has increased by 900%… until people start to tweet about Facebook crashing.
3. With Facebook down, it’s going to be difficult for my parents and their friends to make completely unrelated comments on my status updates and photos.
4. It’s almost as if a million nosy relatives screamed out and were suddenly silenced.
5. Mothers are going to have to actually raise their children instead of posting pic stitches and status updates about them.
6. Would HR find it acceptable to go around poking coworkers and commenting on the photos in picture frames on their desks?
7. Now I have no idea whose birthdays I am ignoring.
8. If Twitter and Instagram stop working too, most people still wouldn’t use Google+.
9. Would Twitter crash from all the tweets about Facebook being down? I shiver at the thought.
10. Are Twitter’s lawyers going to sue Facebook for being down? Site crashes are their trademark.
11. How do people without Twitter complain about Facebook being down?
12. I wonder what my acquaintances ate for lunch.
13. There are probably kids wandering around aimlessly taking selfies, but not knowing what to do next.
14. Millions of gyms emptied out as users realized they could not post an update/check-in/selfie from the elliptical.
15. For the first time since 2005, families are reunited in the living room.
16. I’ll spend some time with my family. They seem like nice people.
17. Maybe people will relearn the art of conversation. I can even dust off my landline phone.
18. If Facebook goes down again, will Americans have to do something drastic? …..Like actually reading a book.
19. I’m just left wondering about what my middle school classmates think of the war in Gaza.
20. I temporarily deactivated my Facebook account and it clearly panicked and crashed. Sorry I’m not sorry, Facebook.
21. Google+ anyone? Anyone?
22. What if someone from high school got fat and I don’t know about it?
23. With Facebook down, the collective IQ of internet users has increased exponentially.
24. There has to be a devastating crop loss in the Farmville global economy.
25. Who was the first loser who noticed and reported the crash?
26. What kind of idiot actually calls 911 in response to the Facebook site being down? Yes, that has actually happened.
27. I guess we actually have to go outside and talk to our friends in person like our ancestors once did.
28. The NSA was probably helping Facebook upgrade some equipment to make it easier to spy on everyone in real time.
29. Perhaps someone purposely crashed the site because they were sick of the Candy Crush game invites.
30. Twitter is great and all, but I cannot deal with the character limit. 140 characters is simply not enough.
31. Facebook is down. We will rebuild.
32. Facebook is working again. You all can resume your normal lives of staring at your phones and computer screens for hours on end.