Subject: Still Pretending to be a Concerned Parent
I’m so glad that the prison has a fully operating supernatural computer in addition to that magical phone so that I could send you this email. What – did you actually think your dad was going crazy when he saw me marching around in that slutty wedding gown? Nope. Your dad and I had some unresolved issues so I wanted to come back and say hey, maybe patch up some of our marital issues. But apparently those visits did more harm than good. Sometimes that man can be so overly emotional, I swear if it wasn’t for those smoldering sex eyes… You see the thing is, Sweetie, marriage is difficult enough already, but then throw in the apocalypse and it’s like can’t. even. handle. I’m working on a new standup routine about that and it’s going to be great. By the way, your Uncle Shane says hi. He’s still taking good care of mommy.
I hope you’re taking very good care of your sister Judith, even though for the record I hate that name. Anyways I figure there’s a 50/50 shot that she’ll be less useless to the group than I was so please keep her safe. Don’t you or your dad ever grow to resent her for being the reason I died because that’s a very predictable cliché. It’s not like I would have been a very good mother to her in all likeliness. I guess I’m finally realizing that my parenting skills were kind of slacking the past year or so. Isn’t it hilarious that Carol is the one with a real maternal instinct but her kid had to go and get bitten? The afterlife has given me a much more humorous outlook on life. So honestly, please just know that I was happy to give up my life for that little asskicker (although if any woman from this century ever complains to me about childbirth I’m like bitch, please).
But now to the real point of this email: Carl, you are going to turn into a monster if you aren’t careful. I know you’re becoming a teenager and it’s a natural urge to rebel against Rick’s sense of duty (not to mention self-righteousness), but please understand that once you lose your humanity you can never get it back. On the other hand, you should feel free to lose certain other things because you never know what day will be your last and you’d better not die a virgin. Back to the point…I was appalled when I saw you kill that innocent boy. Seriously, what is wrong with you? You’re way too young to become so battle-hardened and I worry you’ll develop a sadistic love of killing. Honestly, some days I wish I could’ve aborted you like I tried to abort to Judith. This is just not a world for children to grow up in. You put one bullet in your mom’s head and suddenly you’re devolving into some caricature of Joffrey Baratheon in a sheriff’s hat. Oh yeah, to my complete surprise we get HBO in Purgatory! It’s not all bad here.
In summary, listen to your father and the other adults looking after you. Except Michonne – remember no one will ever replace me! And please try to behave yourself, okay? Always know that whenever you see a walker with a distended belly your mom is looking down on you with love.
PS. Andrea and I are busy planning a welcome party for Hershel! But don’t tell him because I think he’d rather be surprised ;)