10 Fantastic And Frighteningly Relatable Quotes From ‘Workaholics’

Attention, 20-somethings of the universe.  Many of you already appreciate the comedic genius of Workaholics.  You probably also alternately envy / pity the chaotic, regressed lifestyle of our favorite slacker telemarketers.

What you maybe haven’t realized is how much this show embodies the everyday struggles of all of us young “adults” on that working grind, particularly for those of us still fresh out of undergraduate life.

I know that Rancho Cucamonga is a far cry from LA or New York, but the following quotes seem to accurately sum up the universal 20-something experience:

Workaholics
Workaholics

1. “It might be the bath salts talking, but I love that girl.”

Because most of the time, isn’t it really just the bath salts talking?  Adam says this after he ropes a random homeless woman into being his date for Carl’s wedding and gets trashed with her.  It’s still relatable for those of us who have never experimented with hallucinogenic zombie drugs, though.  I know I’ve been there.

2. “What’s a 401k?”…  “I’m glad you asked.  Basically, it’s a retirement plan so you…”…   “Oh, no.  Never mind.  Totally thought it was laser.”

This is how I feel any time some benevolent person wants to be helpful and teach me about serious adult things.  Lasers?

3. “You only YOLO once.”

Thanks to these dudes for highlighting the complete misuse and general absurdity of YOLO.  I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation but did we ever stop to consider how moronic this phrase is at its very core?  (I’ll try to remember that next time I use the logic “whatever, yolo,” to justify a completely awesome life decision).

4. “This is the USA. ‘Characters welcome’ is our country’s motto.”

Think about those moments when you’re convincingly pulling off the guise of being “normal,” but you’re really like hey, fellow humans, can’t we just let our freak flags fly a little higher today?  It’s in our country’s motto!

5. “Cats are kids. ‘Kiddens.”

You have to love Jillian for making the archetypal sad single girl look so good (albeit still extremely sad).  If you’re already concerned about becoming a crazy cat lady one day, rest assured you’ll still have your kiddens.

6. “If you don’t want to date me that’s fine – I get that.  But you’re wrong and I hate you.”

Because we all like to think we handle rejection well.  I’m totally cool with it, yeah, no worries.  It’s your prerogative.  I just hope you get divorced three times and ultimately die alone.

7. “Perhaps you should send over the house Somalian.”

I still get embarrassed when I try to order real drinks at a restaurant or a bar, especially wine.  Yes, this server clearly realizes you don’t know anything.

 8. “I’m just living my sucky life, just hating it.”

I’m not usually that down on things.  Life could always be worse.  But Ders does perfectly embody that bitter person we all know whose presently mediocre circumstances don’t match their own high ideals for themselves.  He nails it.

9. “What is going on?  Why are you guys doing this?”…“Why do I love my mom so much?”…“Why do kids start at different reading levels?”…“Why are girls pretty?”…“Why do I get sleepy after I touch myself?”

The perennial maxim “life isn’t fair” is probably something you’re getting really well versed in right about now.  Some things just are what they are.  Asking why is pointless.

10. And finally, the ever quotable: “take it sleazy.”

Don’t tell a 20-something to take it easy.  What is this, a Jackson Browne concert?  We are, however, pretty good at taking it sleazy in a given moment.  I know you’ve had a night or two where that was the operating mantra. TC mark

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