1. Drop your judgments towards your partner. When you criticize, judge, attack your partner, that is a form of mental or emotional violence. You are labeling them as something, and you separate yourself from them. You cut yourself of from connecting with them. Your judgements are a delusion, preventing you from seeing them as the loving beings they really are, because you are identified with who you think they are, rather than accepting them as they are here and now. This opens up the door for you to experience them in a non-judgmental way, and you will discover new things you love about them, as they unfold before you.
2. Drop your expectations of wanting something from them. When you want another to be something, or some “dream” partner, you are missing being present with who they are. Holding them to an expectation is like holding them to an ideal being. And so, when they make a mistake, you condemn and want to punish them for making them. No one is mistake-free. We are all here learning, doing the best with what we have, operating out of the consciousness we have at this moment. They will never live be able up to your ideas of who they need to be for you. They can only live up to who they want to be for themselves and you can only live up to who you want to be for yourself.
3. Acknowledge, dissolve and resolve your own fears and insecurities. If you do not take responsibility for your own fears, they will continually manifest in your relationships as habitual patterns to be healed. Practice forgiving yourself what others have done to you, what you have done to others, so you can reclaim the love, happiness, and joy that is already here and now. It’s hard to see what’s inside you if you are focused on what you lack or what others have done to you.
4. Relinquish the victimhood. Not one of us is a victim. What has happened are the results from your own state of consciousness. If you see a fearful, violent, selfish world, your thoughts will find evidence to support that perception. It is your perception that you need to change, if you desire to change how you see the world.
5. Accept your differences. No partner in the world is meant to be like you. You are not meant to be like them either. You both are here to express the joy of being you — that’s it. When you try to convince, manipulate, persuade, control your partner to do, or be something that is out of alignment with who they are, you suffer and they will suffer as a result. If you believe something, and your partner doesn’t, agree to disagree. That is okay. It does not mean you are loved less. Not at all. Neither does it mean you’re wrong or they’re right, or vice versa. It just means you both see things differently, no more, no less. If you let go of your need to be right, then you can be happy. As long as you want to be right, you do not want to be happy.
6. Take responsibility for your own life. You are here to do that. Your wife is not your mom. Your husband is not your father. You are here to heal your own wounds, take care of yourself. If you’re not able to do it due to a disability, it is an exception. But, do not do for your partner what your partner is capable of doing for themselves. Otherwise, you are taking responsibility away for your partner, which means they are not doing it for themselves. This creates a dependency, making them dependent on you. To be clear, it is okay to be dependent on another sometimes, but do not allow dependency to manifest as a habit because, that partner will always expect you to do for them. What started as a habit will become resentful and they may have a fit when you stop. Just be upfront from the beginning about you can and can’t do for them and go from there.
7. Share your resources. Share because you choose to give what you have and it makes you happy to do it. But do not share your money, time, or energy with another in order to manipulate a person to do the same for you. That’s called expectations. It kills love. And you end up experiencing the conditions on love and not love itself.
8. Make time for one another. If both of you are busy all the time, the relationship begins to wither because a relationship, which is a space for love between two beings, is like a baby; you have to continually nurture it until it takes a life of its own.
9. Give each other space. It’s great to spend time together, but too much time together can stifle a relationship. Both partners need space to allow each other a peace of mind, whether it’s to dream, to read, to spend time with family, friends, or pursue individual interests. If one partner is jealous that another partner has interests, then they must withdraw their blaming and take responsibility to create their own interests. We as partners cannot guilt, attack or punish another because they have other interests. The world does not revolve around you. And although you may love each other, you will always love many things in life besides a partner. Both of you have to respect that.
10. Support one another. When one of you has a dream, support your partner as much as you can. Some of us just need to be told, “I support you,” just to know you’re in our corner. If our dream appears to be impractical, ask your partner if it is okay to recommend solutions to make their dreams a reality.
11. Communication. Support your partner when it comes to communication. Allow each other “the floor” to be able to share their feelings, thoughts about what is bothering them in the relationship. Do not attack — just listen. Own up to what you think and feel, then share. When you’re done, allow your partner to repeat in their own words what they heard you say. Ask them if they need clarification. If they do, provide it. If not, allow them to speak. Do this in a non-judgmental, accepting way. If a partner feels they cannot come to you to talk and share their feelings, then the trust has been broken and they do not feel safe to be vulnerable in front of you. So, when you open up the space to share allow one another to be as vulnerable as possible, and keep a cool head during the process. Breathe deeply if you feel you’re about to attack them, or judge them so your mind can operate at peace.