According to Wikipedia, most people fart between 8-20 times a day. So unless you have the sphincter control of a Himalayan yogi, that means you’re ripping ass during daylight hours. And if you work from 9 to 5, you’ll occasionally have to let a bubbler go at the office. Here’s how to let your little calamari ring toot away in your cubicle without getting a foul reputation as the office gasbag.
1) Wear headphones at your peril.
If you’re going to be a fart ninja, you’ll need to toot in silence. At all times you should be aware of the noise level in the room. That way you can adjust the volume of your anal audio so no one can hear you. This won’t be possible if you’re pecking away at your keyboard to the beat of your “Get shit done” playlist. If you absolutely must wear headphones to get anything done, make sure those cheeks are clenched tightly.
2) Fart in a stairwell.
Location, location, location. Sure, you could go in the bathroom and beef in a stall, but then you could be identified by your shoes. If farting at work is a video game, an empty stairwell is your cheat code. Your coworkers are all fat sedentary fucks, so the stairs should be a good spot to practice your butt trumpeting. Just be mindful of that new girl who’s a fitness nut—she might be in the stairwell trying to get in a little lunchtime workout. And if she catches you letting it rip then you’ll have to push her down those stairs. No witnesses.
3) Use ambient noise to your advantage.
Be mindful of your surroundings. Maybe your boss just told a shitty joke and his sycophant underlings are guffawing like maniacs in his office. It’s a perfect time to let some 808 blast out of the ol’ subwoofer. If you weren’t listening carefully, you would have missed the golden opportunity.
4) Fart in front of the intern.
If you’ve run out of strategic fart spots, an intern’s cubicle can be a lifesaver. Plausible deniability is important and no one is going to take an intern’s word over yours. Forcing an intern to inhale your airborne fecal remnants has the added benefit of letting them know their proper place in the office chain of command.
5) Fart in another department where no one knows you.
This is a high-risk method that should only be used in very large companies. Even if you’re cutting ’em in front of strangers, there’s a chance you could be identified once people start asking around to find out who the weird farter was, which brings us to our next tip.
6) Pretend you’re French.
Americans expect French people to smell bad. If you get caught farting on the job, an obnoxious French accent can work wonders. Instead of thinking you’re a chili-dog-gobbling American, they’ll think you’re a cheese-chomping European. Learn a little French and let those air croissants fly.
7) Fart near someone who smells bad.
As bad as your gas is, there’s someone in your office who reeks all the time whether they’re farting or not. If you’re not sure where to find them, the nighttime cleaning guy who comes from a nation that ends in “-stan” is a good place to start. If you’re around him you can make the butt-ducks quack and he probably won’t even notice. That’s probably a friendly greeting in the war-torn shit-hole country from which he escaped.
8) Be ready to frame someone.
You may not like to think about it right now, but there will come a time when one of your coworkers will catch you rolling your eyes in ecstasy while you paint a fresh racing stripe in your panties. You need a contingency plan to keep any witnesses silent. Keep a murder weapon from an unsolved crime at work. If anyone hears you fart, frame them for murder. What was that? Stacey from HR said she heard me let one go while I was waiting by the printer? Was that before or after she murdered that family in Park Slope?
9) Blame it on your kid.
This method only works on “Bring Your Child to Work Day,” but it’s very effective. People expect children to be obnoxious little bags of noxious McDonald’s fumes. Your son or daughter is the perfect fall guy.
10) Create a disaster.
This is the nuclear option of the list. Who’s going to care if you tore ass today when your office is taken over by Somali pirates? Sure, a few of your coworkers might die, but you’ve got a non-stinky reputation to uphold. They’re a small price to pay to further your career.