1. “Fancy,” Iggy Azalea Featuring Charli XCX
You’ve been dying for a song to come out that sounds like Lil Kim scissoring Gwen Stefani while Ke$ha watches and masturbates to an Insane Clown Posse beat. And that’s what you’ve got now, you simp-ass fuck.
2. “Problem,” Ariana Grande Featuring Iggy Azalea
You’re a car singer, aren’t you? You like boring songs you can hum in falsetto as you drive 10MPH under the speed limit on your way to work. And you scarf a bagel as you sing, splattering the windshield with cream-cheese chunks, covering your Ann Taylor blouse with bagel remnants. Sure that guy just flipped you off as he sped around you, but whatevs. Forget him, girl! You’ve got one less problem without him!
3. “Summer,” Calvin Harris
You’re a sensitive guy. When you think about your ex-girlfriend, your penis hole sings romantic dance songs to you like it’s the killer plant from Little Shop of Horrors. Like Calvin Harris, you erroneously think the plural of leaf is “leafs.” And much like your singing genitalia, you are a fucking dick for liking this snoozer of a pop tune.
4. “Ain’t It Fun,” Paramore
Oh, fuck. Why did Paramore have to be in the top 10 this week? I actually don’t hate this band and I’m at least a decade too old to admit that. You know what, go ahead and make fun of me in the comments, you heartless bastards. But first you have to listen to “Ain’t It Fun” and get through the entire hand-clap part without clapping along. Go ahead and try.
5. “Am I Wrong,“ Nico & Vinz
You really, really, really miss Akon. When you first heard this song on the radio you shazamed it and crossed your fingers. When “Nico & Vinz” popped up, you shazamed it two more times just to be sure. Now every time you hear “Am I Wrong” on Spotify you close your eyes and picture yourself holding hands with Akon in the motherland. Then he beats the shit out of you for being white and making him feel gay stuff in his gangsta heart. When you open your eyes your coworkers are laughing and pointing at your raging boner. There’s a wet spot at the tip of the tent in your khakis and a tear in your eye.
6. “Turn Down For What,” DJ Snake & Lil Jon
You really should try to do less coke. Just cut back a little bit. Seriously, you’re like one of the people in the video. This is ridiculous.
7. “Me and My Broken Heart,” Rixton
You’re a painful bore. God cried the day your father left a batch inside your mother because he knew how mediocre the world would become when you were born. In his eternal wisdom, the Almighty predicted that your birth and the release of this song would signal that Satan had finally won by polluting humanity with banal lyrics and banal people. And you’re the king of those people. You’re a cheesy prick who makes his hand into a gun shape and winks to greet coworkers because you think they like you. But no one likes you because you’re as boring as these dick-sniffing Maroon Five clones.
8. “Not A Bad Thing,” Justin Timberlake
You iron and crease your jeans and use way too much hair gel. You started wearing high-top Supras with the tongue sticking out because you saw Justin Bieber do it once. But unlike JBiebs you’ll never get any pussy and when you die no one will miss you. This song blows. Seriously dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?
9. ”All Of Me,” John Legend
You’re an intelligent person with decent taste in music. You’re a little uptight, but hey, you’re better off than people who picked any of the other songs on this list, right?
10. “Birthday,” Katy Perry
You’re an asshole. Stop listening to shitty music.