1. You can’t eat shellfish without thinking about lobstrosities.
“Dad-a-chum? Dum-a-chum? Ded-a-chek? Did-a-chick?” That’s what you kept repeating at the table the last time you had lobster, confusing the hell out of your family in the process. Now when your family wants seafood they go out and leave you home with all your signed Stephen King hardcovers.
2. You’ve said, “There are other worlds than these” at a funeral.
You confused the hell out of your family by including this quote in your eulogy for your grandmother. Your cousin, a fellow King fan with a permanent pizza stain around his mouth, understood exactly what you meant. Your grandma has moved on and she’s in another dimension getting her guts crushed by the Gunslinger.
3. You see doors differently than other people do.
Every time you open a door you briefly entertain the thought that it might open inside the head of a person from the 60s. You know it’s not going to happen but you still brace yourself for a surprise as you turn the doorknob. You have similar thoughts every time you pick up a rose.
4. You’ve seriously considered getting a Dark Tower quote tattoo.
You thought that getting “The man in black crossed the desert and the Gunslinger followed” on your arm might be pretty cool, albeit a little nerdy. You even sat at your computer looking for the perfect font to give the tattoo an appropriate fantasy Western vibe. You chickened out and decided to buy a poster instead.
5. You won’t shut up about The Dark Tower‘s plot.
Your poor girlfriend knows all about Roland, Eddie, Susannah, and Oy, and she’s never read any of the books. Thanks to you, she knows every one of Randall Flagg’s pseudonyms. She still doesn’t know what the hell the story is about.
6. You pore over every Stephen King book you read looking for Dark Tower connections.
You lost your shit when you found a connection to the Dark Tower series in Dr. Sleep, one that all the other Dark Tower nerds missed. Because your love for Roland goes that deep, you submitted it to the Dark Tower connections page on Stephen King’s website. Your nerdiness is more intense than that of even the most hardcore Tolkien fan.
7. You played Discordia every night for a week even though it sucked.
Sorry, Discordia fans. This game blows. The only reason you played it is because it’s based in the Dark Tower universe.
8. You’ve sat on the beach, squinted your eyes, and tried to picture 3 doors.
9. You’ve apologized with the phrase “I have forgotten the face of my father.”
The last time you had a fight with your girl you drunkenly apologized by saying “I have forgotten the face of my father.” Your girlfriend didn’t get the reference but she’s gotten used to you randomly saying weird shit from Stephen King novels. She hasn’t dumped you because you accept her even though she masturbates to bottom shelf literotica.
10. You get a little freaked out by the pre-recorded announcer’s voice on trains.
Blaine is a pain.
11. If you came across ebony amputee porn you’d probably have a wank to it.
Susannah may not have her legs, but the rest of her makes up for it. Admit it, you got turned on reading about Roland carrying her around in that little harness. And if you happened to come across a porn with a Susannah lookalike in it, your bedroom floor would be covered in jism-soaked gym socks.
12. You look at this cosplayer and envy him.
13. You secretly refer to special-needs children as “roont.”
You’d never tell anyone because they wouldn’t understand.
14. 75% of your Internet history is pages from The Dark Tower Wiki.
You can’t go to bed yet. How can you sleep when you’re still not sure if Dandelo and IT are the same species?
15. You refer to your family and friends as a Ka-tet.
16. You’ve considered dressing your dog up as a Billy-Bumbler for Halloween.
The only thing that stopped you from doing it is that you couldn’t figure out how to get the gold rings around his eyes just right.
17. You refer to everything you carry on your person as “gunna.”
18. You constantly have to stop yourself from saying “thankee-sai.”
This impulse is the number-one threat to keeping up the illusion that you’re not a complete Stephen King-worshiping dork. Every single “Thank you” that comes out of your mouth is very nearly a “thankee-sai” followed by the appropriate number of chest or throat taps for a man or a woman.
19. You understand why there are 19 items on this list.
No more, no less.