We take a lot for granted in our modern times of cleanliness and good hygiene. Before the advent of toothpaste, people yelled at each other from across large rooms to avoid catching a whiff of shit-breath. Before tampons, women suffering from their lady time were sent out into the wilderness to be chased by grizzly bears in order to prove their womanhood. Before Gold Bond powder, men had insufferably sweaty, itchy balls all summer long.
Writers for TV and movies tend to be sticklers for historical accuracy, and with good reason. Armies of nerds are out there hunting for continuity errors, eagerly awaiting a chance to update IMDb with a fuck-up. So unless a show is set in modern times, that means all of the characters must smell like shit. In recognition of Gold Bond appreciation week, here are seven fictional characters with really smelly dicks.
1. Everyone on Game of Thrones
I’ve actually never watched this show, but I’m fairly certain it’s a bunch of LARPers running around in the woods with a midget or something. If you’ve ever waited in line for an autograph at Comic-Con, you know that nerds don’t always have the best personal hygiene. Add $4,755 worth of handmade leather armor from the “2Leet4U” Etsy store onto those lunchmeat-like physiques and you’ve got some god-tier undercarriage stink on your hands.
2. The Incredible Hulk
I can’t even imagine what the Incredible Hulk smells like. With all of that jumping around, flexing his gargantuan muscles, and punching puny humans in the face—my god. He must smell like 50 overflowing Port-a-Johns nested one inside the other like Russian dolls. Even with Mark Ruffalo’s dreamy eyes, that is one monster of a musty green nutsack. Hulk stinkiest one there is!
3. Edward Scissorhands
How in the fuck did he clean himself? Answer: He didn’t. As smelly as his penis must have been, that was just the tip of the ice sculpture. I can’t even imagine the sour milk, armpit, and smegma cocktail of sewer aromas coming from Eddie’s tighty-whiteys.
4. Rust Cohle from True Detective
This guy went raw on his partner’s wife and dropped a load inside her without even a moment of hesitation. Can you imagine the amount of dick cheese under that foreskin of his? It’s probably chunky with big navy patches in it, like bleu cheese crumbles—bleu cheese crumbles that have been marinating in a dead serial killer’s belly button.
5. Don Draper from Mad Men
Unless they’re gay, most men need to have their hearts broken by skanks repeatedly in order to learn that they have to wash their dicks properly to get a decent woman. Don Draper has never had his heart broken, and his pecker is constantly marinating in the world’s most top-shelf pussy. If I had to take a guess, I’d say his cock smells like a dumpster full of wet Lucky Strikes and half-empty tuna fish cans.
6. Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies
You know a few things just by looking at Jack Sparrow. First of all, even if condoms existed in his time, he would not have been using them. Second, this is a man who has enjoyed anal sex with many an anonymous stranger from across the seven seas. Remember, these stories take place hundreds of years before penicillin was discovered. Dripping with the juices of countless mermaids and sea hags, this man’s cock and balls were a warm chum bucket of exotic bacteria—and bacteria causes smelly dicks.
Busy men don’t have time to apply Gold Bond powder, and no one is busier than the creator of the universe. We’re made in His image, so that means the Lord has some incredibly pungent, concentrated dick and ball odor going on under those flowing robes. Jesus Christ, can you imagine what his throne smells like? My guess is this: a mixture of rotting onions, cat food, and stale corn chips. It’s too bad everyone in heaven is too scared to say anything about it. It must be hell.