1. People who chew loudly
No one wants to hear you predigest the nutrients that keep your malformed brain working. Close that flappy cunt you call a mouth.
2. Hashtag Activists
Activists can get pretty annoying. However, I can usually appreciate their dedication and passion, whether or not I agree with their goals. I can’t say the same for the self-righteous Twitter twats that pass for activists now.
Do something useful with your time online. Look up recipes. Use WebMD to convince yourself you have AIDS. Search for a streaming HD copy of the latest Shane Diesel porn.
If something is really worth fighting for, it’s worth more than 140 characters. Ruining someone’s reputation with a hashtag is not activism; it’s trolling. Forwarding a change.org petition isn’t activism either; it’s just self-righteous cock-stroking.
3. Guys who are determined to shorten everyone’s name to one syllable
Your parents gave you an elegant name that has a beautiful meaning in the original language. You shortened it to a slang term for teasing—”Josh.” To make matters worse, you’ve doomed the rest of us to the same fate of having a boring, truncated name. Stop it.
4. People who write dissertation-length Internet comments
Maybe you should just learn to write a little better and pen an actual response. When you’re done you can even link to it in the comments so we can read it. Why are you wasting your time writing a term paper on Kantian ethics in the Porta Potty of LOLs and DAFUQs that is the comments section?
5. Anyone who’s ever written an open letter to anyone
Get over yourself, you self-important jizz stain.
6. Passive-aggressive people
If you don’t like something about someone, either deal with your fucking feelings on your own or grow a pair and confront them. Don’t block them from your Facebook newsfeed and then pretend everything is fine when you see them in real life. Life is too short to be a coward, and no one has time to figure out what the fuck you’re feeling. Spit it out.
7. Whoever is shitting in the stall next to me in this public bathroom
The logs were just about to start moving downriver and someone runs in and drops trou. Now the sounds of this man’s waste sliding through his intestines and plunking in shallow water are causing sudden constipation. I’ll just wait until he finishes. Oh God, this is taking forever. He’s probably playing 2048 on his iPhone. Fuck my life.
8. Parents who let their kids play video games on the subway without headphones
9. People who define themselves by what they eat or drink
Unless we’re picking a restaurant to go to, I don’t care if you eat meat or not. I don’t need you commenting “Needs moar bacon” on a Facebook photo of meatless chili. I don’t care if you think god hates pork. I don’t need to see sweaty photos of you and your girlfriends getting tipsy in the club. I don’t care how many years you’ve been sober. Unless it’s my cock, I don’t care what goes in your mouth or doesn’t.
And if you pick your friends based on what they eat or drink, you’re probably a serious loser. The only thing that should go in your mouth is a ball gag.
10. Young guys who listen to shitty swag rap and think it’s good
To the fucktard who’s listening to 2Chainz next to me on the train; Saying “I’m riding round I’m gettin’ it” over and over is not a song; it’s a head-injury symptom to a beat.
I understand your plight. You’re not the brightest burning crack rock in the pipe, but you still want to listen to some hip-hop. Do me a favor. When you get home, go to the screen with the tappy-tappy keyboard thing attached to it and type in “Ol’ Dirty Bastard.” There you go. Now you’ve got some dumb music that’s actually good.
11. Anyone who’s ever written using a pen name
I don’t care if Stephen King did it. He’s Stephen King; you’re not. Don’t make up a fake last name that means “Written” in Spanish or something like that. That’s just silly.
12. Anyone who’s ever written a listicle
You’re worsening our generation’s worst characteristic: short attention span. You’re contributing to the downfall of the Internet. Write a real essay, stupid.