11 Thought Catalog Articles From The Future

Crisan Rosu / Shutterstock.com
Crisan Rosu / Shutterstock.com

A few days ago I got tired of my Netflix being slow, so I decided to upgrade our high-speed Internet to the most expensive option. Holy shit, they really do limit the cheaper packages; my downloads were flying! Then I noticed something weird—the dates on the Thought Catalog articles I was reading were going up instead of down as I clicked through the site. My Internet connection was traveling further and further into the future! Here’s a little preview of some stuff that Thought Catalog will publish over the course of the next 50 years. Spoiler Alert!

1. 63 Things Cats Will Never Understand, Because Feline Privilege

45. Feline privilege is never having to replace the battery on the magical red-dot machine or change your own litter.

2. Understanding My Mom By Getting In Touch With My Gunt

I’ll never forget Mom’s gunt. It was so shiny and smooth, like a deli-size Butterball turkey breast fresh out of the wrapper. My Mom was naked a lot—a real free spirit. She was so comfortable in her own skin; so accepting of herself. It didn’t matter that she always looked like she was wearing a tan, oversized fanny pack low on her hips.

3. 5 Breadline Hacks That Will Leave Your Belly Full

1. Don’t smile

Inspection drones are less likely to ignore pleas for an extra loaf if your mandatory face-scan registers a frown. A crying face is even better, so bring an eyedropper. If you’re lucky, you might even get a $5 credit from the Bureau of Lightbulbs, Shower Heads, and Solar Panels. Score!

4. This Video Of A Peruvian Toddler Taking A Splattery Shit Is More Important Than Whatever You’re Doing Right Now

So cute! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch this 15 more times while I finish crying about last night’s Season 18 finale of Girls.

5. No One Told Me What It Would Be Like The First Time I Went Grocery Shopping By Myself. Here’s What Happened.

Where are the organic kale chips? How do people do this by themselves? Ugh…

6. People Of Color: Wearing Makeup That Matches Your Black Skin Is The New Blackface

Sorry, white people—we’re onto you. Making us make fun of ourselves is not okay. #NaturalSkinMovement #TeamNaturalSkin

7. 5 Reasons It’s Okay To Be A Filthy Cum Dumpster and It’s Nobody Else’s Business

3. It’s my body, not theirs

I’m airtight. The group of guys waiting around the bed in bathrobes looks like a meeting of the UN, if the UN met in bathrobes and everyone had their dicks out. It’s a Crayola crayon box of diverse meat-hammers. I’m writing this on a Macbook that’s propped on the back of a middle-aged Filipino I’m pegging. This does NOT define me.

8. My Millennial Mom Is A Self-involved Bitch

She fucking stares at labels for hours before she says, “I literally can’t even” and finally lets me eat something.  She’s always complaining about how she’s “so old,” yet she stands in the mirror for hours taking selfies instead of cooking us dinner. I constantly have to hear her flapping her gums about how Kanye’s funeral was “like, so touching.”

9. The Most Heart-Wrenching Abortion-In-Outer-Space Story You’ll Ever Hear

He told me I couldn’t get pregnant in zero gravity. He lied. We never spoke again. Nine months later, as I closed my space condo’s airlock, I saw her tiny hands floating away from me through space. They seemed to be waving goodbye. I knew I’d never be the same.

10. The Sex Robot Who Got Me Pregnant Won’t Text Me Back And I Feel Like No One Really Cares?

He’s a 6-foot-tall smartphone with washboard abs and an adjustable-length vibrating dick. You’re going to tell me he hasn’t gotten any of my calls or emails? His balls have built-in WiFi!

11. It Happened To Me: I Was Triggered by A Trigger Warning

This led me to the realization that my trigger warnings themselves needed trigger warnings because the phrase “trigger warning” might function as a trigger in and of itself. Of course, this would mean an infinite regress of trigger warnings. As a compromise, I propose a 10-trigger-warning limit.

Here we go.

#Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning #Trigger Warning

OK…TC mark

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