Thanks to those paparazzi pricks at TMZ, some very damning audio of my bestie, LA Clippers owner Don Sterling, has appeared online. Taken out of context, the phone call between him and his girlfriend V. Stiviano could lead people to believe he’s a racist. And sure, he is, but there’s a lot more to the story. Thankfully Thought Catalog has given me the opportunity to set the record straight.
In the clip, Don says that he’s been getting concerned phone calls from his friends about Instagram photos of her hanging out with black guys. Well, I’m the concerned caller that Don was talking about, but that’s not exactly what I said. Since I have no doubt that TMZ will probably get into his voicemail with his easily guessed password “AlJolson,” I figured I’d beat them to the punch. Here’s what I actually said.
While on the phone with Don, I expressed my concern that his girl was posting photos of herself with, let’s just say, a bunch of animals—creatures of a certain persuasion that most would find undesirable. If you found out they were showing up in your neighborhood, you’d most likely leave as soon as possible, know what I mean?
If I sound like I’m measuring my words carefully, I am. You know, many of them out there may be reading this, if they know how to read. A few of the most uppity among them—the famous ones you see on TV—can speak very articulately. So I guess some of them might be smart enough to read this article on computers they’ve stolen. After all, they are known to steal. Some even trick unwitting campers into giving them their pic-a-nic baskets.
Anyway, earlier that day I was browsing through Don’s girlfriend’s Instagram photos. I was searching for the best photo of her fat ass to look at while I beat my dick off during a long shit. That’s when I came across several photos of her cavorting with these disgusting brown things.
So you see, I told my buddy Don Sterling that he needed to talk to his girlfriend about the photos of her enjoying the company of bears. I think the senile old bastard may have misunderstood what I meant. The word “bears” must mean something different to guys his age.
So the bad news is that, yeah, I think Don does have a problem with black people. The good news is that he’s so fucking senile he can’t even tell what race anyone is. He didn’t even know he was dating a half-black and half-Mexican chick—and have you seen the badunkadunk on her? Holy shit. If she and I ever end up in a human centipede together, I’d do anything to be behind her just to have my lips permanently connected to that pooper.
What was I saying? Sorry for the ass-digression. Oh, yeah.
Don Sterling can’t identify races well enough to discriminate against them. The last time I went to dinner with him he talked shit about Puerto Ricans for most of the night and the old fart still doesn’t know that I’m Puerto Rican. I was even wearing my usual attire of a full-body Puerto Rican flag jumpsuit with a speaker in it that blasts “Livin’ la Vida Loca” on loop. He didn’t have a clue.
As for his girlfriend, she really does need to watch it with those bears. They’re nothing but a bunch of violent criminals with giant brown penises.
OK, I’m gonna go rub another one out to her Instagram.