Apple Is Heaven

catwalker /
catwalker /

The words, “Oh God, no edits!” reverberated across the living room of Steve Job’s Woodside, California mansion. The exclamation was followed by an even louder noise: a guttural series of moans that slowly cascaded into a wavering scream—a mélange of words and vowels—the sound of Steve Jobs cumming.

The orgasm was prodigious, and for a second Steve was concerned that he may have cracked the display of the magnificent prototype he held, a device he would soon dub the “iPad.” It wasn’t the first tablet computer, but it was the first that mattered, the first one his beautiful mind had created. As such, he was relieved that it wasn’t damaged. Despite the enormous pressure he applied squeezing its frame while he blew a load all over the screen, the glass had not cracked.

Roughly half a cup of greenish yellow jizz sat in a pool on the iPad, swishing and jiggling in his shaky hands.

The hotness of the performance and the beauty of the device’s display both played a part, but it was the lack of edits that really did it for him. The porn star, a blonde 19-year-old Apple Store employee performing under the name “Lisa,” had sucked a mouthful of semen from another porn star’s asshole and was loudly gargling and swishing the load around in her teeth. The man in the scene, another Apple Store employee named Darwin, had finished his part and slunk off-camera to get dressed. A second girl, Siri, positioned herself underneath the first, her open mouth a mess of discolored metal fillings. When Lisa started spitting Darwin’s jizz into the second girl’s mouth and some of it spilled onto her Apple store name tag, Steve Jobs came. It was an extended take that would make Stanley Kubrick insane with jealousy. There were no camera tricks and no edits.

Steve Jobs’s nightly ritual was nearly complete. Ten wheatgrass shots? Check. A Starbucks doppio espresso enema? Check. A prostate milking? Check. A jackoff session involving soon-to-debut Apple products? Check.

Only one thing remained.

Steve Jobs leaned over the iPad prototype and opened his mouth wide, sucking and slurping his own ejaculate down his throat. After the initial mouthful, he started using his tongue, flicking cum globules off the 9.7-inch LED-backlit glossy widescreen Multi-Touch display and hungrily swallowing.

The ritual of pancreas strength was over. Renewed, he retired to his sensory-deprivation chamber. He clapped his hands twice, and the room’s overhead lights faded out as the lid of the metal chamber slid closed. A glowing white Apple logo appeared on its lid—the only light in the room. Before closing his eyes, Steve Jobs whispered, “Earth is Hell, but Apple is different. Apple is Heaven.”

“Apple is Heaven.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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