When the news dropped that they was making a doll called Lammily, I did the big eyes like I was in one of my nephew’s cartoons. I was like, “Shit they made a doll based off my girl from around the way?” Yup, they certainly did—And I’ll tell you what—It’s about fucking time already. You see for years all we’ve seen is this weird long-necked alien looking bitch Barbie. Every little girl wanna be that skinny little bitch with the weird body proportions. So some feminists have been saying that it’s good that they’re making a doll off my girl Lammily instead, and I couldn’t agree more. These feminist chicks are on point. Lammily is just the type of role model that you females need so we can raise the next generation of down-ass freaks. Here’s my list of 10 reasons why Barbie can suck a dick.
If you’ve had a bad day, Barbie don’t even answer her phone. Text Lammily and she’ll let you hit it from the back, give you a back rub and then go down to the corner bodega to pick you up some smokes.
Lammily will pull her big ass titties out to distract the landlord while you run down the fire escape. Then she’ll pay half your rent for you.
Barbie always spends a grip on Seamless, but when the food arrives she takes two bites and leaves the rest sitting there, getting cold. Lammily will hook up a meal and clean her plate before you even sit down to eat yours. God damn, just look at those thighs. Lammily is a real woman, thick as hell.
That skinny bitch Barbie is always sniffing that white powder, doing blow off her own hipbones. Lammily can roll a blunt in 1.4 seconds with both hands tied behind her back. She’ll smoke you out and then make you a cheesesteak just the way you like it—with provolone and grilled onions.
Lammily will lie to your P.O. for you.
Barbie doesn’t even say bye when you leave the crib after banging her pussy out. Lammily stops you at the door, looks you in the eye and says “Thank you baby, you really know how to put in work” while she finishes the last buffalo wing.
When shit gets deep, Barbie is nowhere to be found. If you get rolled on while Lammily is in the ride, she’ll hold your gun for you so you don’t get three strikes. My girl will take a charge like a cellphone. She’s loyal.
Barbie is too fucking uptight. Lammily will let you and all your boys hit it, but you first, always you first.
When you’re about to knock boots and you go to get the condom, Lammily says “No daddy, you don’t need to use that.” while finishing the last buffalo wing.
Barbie looks through your phone to see who you’ve been texting. Lammily will bring a bitch home every now and then just to keep things interesting. She knows you’re a man, so she’s got you covered. Plus she loves chewing pussy, so you know—It’s a win-win.
Fuck Barbie. You need Lammily in your life.