What’s better in October than a good ghost story?
How about a good ghosting story?
While I’m no stranger to the random act of disappearance of someone I thought was into me, every time it happens, it’s as shocking as seeing an actual ghost.
Here we go again. Why the hell am I even in this graveyard we call dating to begin with?
Something I’ve learned in the single game is that no one is immune to being ghosted. You can be the hottest girl with your shit together, but at some point or another, you will experience the cowardly entity that vanishes with no forewarning.
Each and every time we get ghosted, we’re left wondering what we did this time. Whatever we learned from our last experience (and from Facebook articles conjured up by our search history that includes the phrase “why did I get ghosted”) is not helping us understand how someone could just disappear on us like that.
I’ve been told over and over again by friends and family that it’s not me, it’s the type of guy I gravitate towards that’s resulting in my perpetual haunted house. But I know that’s only partially true. Do I have a history of falling for emotionally unavailable fuckboys? Absolutely. No one is safe from this evil spirit.
But something that I’ve learned is that not every ghost is a fuckboy. Sometimes it’s not an actual demon but the circumstances that conjure up the ghost.
1. The Phantom Ex Reappeared
So you’re a few weeks into what seems like smooth sailing with a guy you probably didn’t feign much interest in at first. You were convinced by your friends to give him a chance because he’s a “nice guy” and you need to start scouting these types instead of hot guys with Roman numeral tattoos that live in another state.
Okay, fine, they have a point, so you give it a half ass try. Turns out Mr. Nice Guy is consistent, shown effort, and seems to lack most fuckboy red flags (you know, the ones you usually chose to ignore anyway).
You let your guard down and actually start to like this person. You think his intentions are sincere and he hasn’t sent you a recycled unsolicited video of himself in the shower.
Soon you start plotting your future just for the mere fact that he’s still talking to you and interested after you gave it up. He’s so worthy you may have even painfully sacrificed some of your male fan club followers by posting a money shot of you two together.
Then one day he goes missing. You try not to dwell, and you aren’t needy, so you wait it out. By day three of crickets, you know something is wrong. You send out the feeler text to find out what is up. No response. Day four you receive a meaningless text that makes zero sense and goes something like, “Hey, sorry, I’ve been really busy at work and got caught up. Feeling overwhelmed at the moment and we haven’t really defined what we are, but I don’t think I’m up for a relationship right now with all this pressure.”
What the hell does this mean?
He’s back with his ex. He’s shown he can be a relationship guy, he didn’t disappear after sex, he seemed genuinely into you and made an effort. This shows he was not after one thing. However, he probably jumped the gun on his feelings for you in an attempt to get over his ex. Unfortunately, once she got wind of you or saw that screen-shotted post of you two, she hit him up. And just like that, he was dearly departed.
2. You’re Too Scary
“If I’m such a catch, why does everyone throw me back?” — words I’ve asked myself many times.
You get countless DMs where most men are having conversations with themselves. Your Snapchat is all men who snap you mindless shit all day, including their day golfing, what they’re grilling, and a daily car selfie with the caption “post gym sesh.” Your dating apps are constantly telling you someone likes you — open it up and see what loser you attracted this time. Getting hit on by men is a daily occurrence for you.
You’re the forever single and eligible girl.
So if there’s a long line of people wanting to date you, why did the one guy you actually wanted to date ghost you?
When you meet him, you will think you finally met a guy you will actually give your attention to. He’s putting in all the effort needed because he seems to know your worth.
At first he will feel honored that you’re choosing him when you have many options. However, as time goes on, the pressure of keeping up with the expectations that come with dating a girl like you becomes too much. He knows he has to bring his A-game at all times. This means showing up on time and as expected, delivering a good time, and giving you the respect and attention you deserve and demand, no exceptions.
He has to keep your interest, return all texts in a timely manner, and answer to you when he does not. You don’t necessarily put these demands out there, but he knows you are valuable and what it takes to get and keep you.
A month into bliss with him, he cracks. He has to cancel a date with you out of sheer honesty due to work, a schedule conflict, or pure exhaustion. Only when it’s time to reschedule, he disappears. No word from him for days. Where did he go aside from to the gym to post the same shirtless gym selfie on his story.
He went back on Bumble, that’s where. Why? Because you were too much. Dating you was scary and causing him too much stress. There was too much pressure to maintain a girl like you. So he got back online and started swiping again to find some mindless, easy-going girl with an animal ear profile picture that he can date with little to zero effort. He gets a new and easy start elsewhere, and boom, you get ghosted.
3. Horrifying Sex
Let’s be honest: When you like someone, you tend to overlook their inadequacies in the bedroom. When he doesn’t live up to the sexual expectations that you had imagined after this long and intense build up, it’s disappointing when they don’t deliver.
However, knowing a good man is hard to find, afterwards we often have that secret conversation with ourselves that says, “He’s teachable. He knows how to do other stuff really well, and maybe he was just nervous.”
On the other hand, if you delivered anything less than stellar, the probability that you are going to get ghosted afterwards is very high. But in the case where you know your sex game was on point and his was comparable to a scene from an American Pie movie, you will be wondering how he has the audacity to be the one to end it first.
This is the moment when you crack and admit to your friends that he was basically just masturbating with you in the room and he sucked.
Even though an awkward sexual encounter may not be a reason for you to ghost him, he sometimes sees it as a reason to ghost you.
Ninety percent of the D is mental. Yet all we ask is that if he can’t get his head right, he at least get his head game right. Even if he knows this, once he walks out of your bedroom like a wounded soldier who just left war, there’s no bringing him back to the battlefield. You’ve planted a seed of defeat in his head and it’s not going away until he’s brave enough to come back and do things to you that Cardi B talks about.
The problems is that certain men can’t handle the fear of trying and failing again. In this case, the ghost doesn’t reflect his feelings for you, it reflects his feelings for himself. If he can’t do you the way he knows he should, he may do you dirty and just disappear.
No matter what the situation, it’s important to remember that you aren’t always the poltergeist when there’s a ghost at hand. Being ghosted is not always your fault, especially if you pick better men, are smart about your decisions with them, and refuse to allow residual hauntings.
Whatever the reason was that he ghosted you, you should never be up for a séance if he returns. You can’t exorcise his inner demons, so girl, give up that ghost and find a mummy that wants to tie you up instead.