woman sits on log holding knee

The Truth About Dating In An Emotionally Detached World

We need more love, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness towards others, because the truth is that most people have deeply rooted fears and insecurities, which often make them subconsciously react in ways that may push a potential partner away or even hurt them. And the misleading reality is that the distasteful actions of the unavailable, or lack of, are never personal. It’s never about us.

Their actions are a mere reflection of feelings tucked away deep in their core, where their darkest traumas have been buried since childhood, likely a reflection of broken parts within us because we’re able to attract them into our experience.

However, most people are not bad, they’re just hurt and, consequently, very bad at dating.

Most people crave love, compassion, kindness, healing, trust, stability. But, they’ve become victim to the same self-sabotaging dating patterns where they pull away and go cold to avoid vulnerability, losing control, real intimacy, exposing feelings, getting hurt — leaving them once again unfulfilled and with a strong desire for deep connection — because everyone was once innately wired for it way before piling up the layers of pain.

All of which sends mixed signals to their potential partner, who is likely also insecure at some level and doesn’t understand that their person is just dealing with their own internal conflict, which the mixed signals are a clear reflection of. Mixed signals where you’ve caught a glimpse or two of the sweet, loving, unwounded child they once were.

In other cases, they may pull away to not disappoint their potential partner because they know the other person deserves better and they may not feel good enough, worthy, or capable of meeting their needs. Especially after one expresses conditions and expectations of them.

See, for the detached, it’s easier to become distant than to confront great discomfort. It’s easier to sleep with strangers, focus on hobbies, bury yourself in work, medicate the mental chaos, and stay busy — simply doing anything but making consistent time and effort to build a solid foundation with a potential life partner.

At times, not realizing that these dating habits, behaviors, and patterns are unhealthy  coping mechanisms which can be healed through self-awareness and self-love. It’s through inner work that they can beautifully transform this area of their lives — but only if and when they are willing to recognize it and they have a desire to change it — even when they don’t know where to begin.

People oftentimes ‘get there’ when they become fed-up with the same cycles of safe but shallow, multiple short-term partners whom they’ve blamed for wanting to take their freedom or for any other fabricated reason to push them away, when the truth is that they’re the ones with unrealistic expectations of love. Blaming the person they’re dating is just another subconscious tactic to deactivate feelings. This is mostly exhibited when they’re getting closer after spending good quality time together.

Because sadly, nothing is more overwhelmingly intense, crippling, and unbearable to the emotionally hurt than to undress their wounds before another for fear that they too may lash out at them.

They may also sometimes ‘get there’ when their pain and insecurities aren’t as deep and a highly emotionally secure partner with the awareness, maturity, and patience cares enough about them to offer long-term safety, stability, and loving emotional guidance to healthier bonding — and the other person, with all their discomfort, is willing to work together towards achieving a healthy, loving partnership.

Be aware, empaths. One’s mission should never be to heal others but to provide a safe environment like they’ve never experienced before so that unconditional love may inspire them to fill their own cup of love and happiness. Only then will they be able to reflect substantial and deserving love in another without selfishly leaving anyone empty and depleted, without bondage.

It’s truly a battle one must meticulously consider if it’s worth the fight and fully understand why one would wish to embark on such tumultuous expedition versus freeing themselves to encounter a whole lover whom they can gracefully dance with in synchronicity.

Why would the challenge of decoding the unemotionally detached lover be so enticing and entangling? Perhaps because one too might be detached, longing to be saved.

We’re the masters of our stocks. Only we can determine where to invest by taking into account the specifics of all the ever unique variables in question, the boundaries to impose or not, the threshold to withstand or withdraw.

Nonetheless, one thing remains certain. There has to be alignment and progress in the same direction — through self love — in order to finally achieve a satisfying connection that lovingly reciprocates true inner freedom and happiness.

About the author
Live And Love Well. Then Write About It. Follow Mara on Instagram or read more articles from Mara on Thought Catalog.

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