10 Ways To Enjoy The 2013 NFL Season Even If You Don’t Really Care About Football

spirit of america / Shutterstock.com
spirit of america / Shutterstock.com

1. Drink, because adult beverages early in the day are justifiable. Some people don’t really feel a need to validate their early alcohol consumption as it is, but those of us who are self-publicists know it can draw some assumptions and judgment. Depending on your coast, the games can begin anywhere from 10am-1pm, but your reputation is virtually invincible from September to early next year because FOOTBALL.

2. Take advantage of your favorite brunch spot being a lot less packed. Aside from your hash brown quiche snapshots on Instagram getting lost in a sea of team spirit oriented photos, this is a good thing. Your wait time will lessen and you might finally get a comfy booth instead of that shaky corner table. Everybody wins.

3. Find something extra to care about other than the game itself. Ask knowledgeable friends about any heated rivalries, beefs or bets taking place on that particular week and watch for that. Two teams that hate each other might get you some physical altercation action. Or another example would be this “loser shaves an eyebrow” wager set between Seattle’s Russell Wilson and San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick in week 2. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npKvIE6Ys1M&w=584&h=390]4. Troll diehard fans. Football season can be trolling season if you take advantage of the opportunity to agitate large groups of people who are excessively passionate about something. You don’t have to know what you’re talking about, just speak openly about particular teams or players to annoy said team’s fan. Here’s how it works:
1. A friend Tweets something like “GO 49ers!”
2. You Google “San Francisco 49ers roster,” and select a random player’s name.
3. Be creative, end up with something along the lines of “Patrick Willis? More like Patrick Willthislosergetoffthefield? #49ersAreBadAtFootball”

5. The most elite dip-able snacks make several appearances. It’s basically like Salsa, Queso, and Ranch are touring the country with Chicken Wings & The Dips. Eat all of them. Often.

6. Being a cool person in the minority who doesn’t just not watch football, but constantly lets everybody know how little you care about everyone else’s enthusiasm. It’s like being a unique breed of whatever-I-don’t-care, snobby hipster, who only dislikes things on Sundays.

7. Get-togethers. Some go to watch football, others go to eat, drink and socialize, many go to do both. Gatherings can be enjoyable regardless of what drove you to attend, and a little refreshment before the Monday-Friday workweek grind begins is like the Novocain before the surgery. 

8. Laugh at all of the erectile dysfunction and men’s hair product commercials. It’s comical how many ads for Rogaine and touch of gray dye there are, helping all the semi silver foxes keep their penises serviceable.

9. The butts for everybody to look at. Whether you prefer cheerleader butts or football player butts – there’s booty everywhere and a chance to sexualize everyone, equally.

10. Watching people lose their composure over a game in which the participants are paid insane amounts to play, many of whom don’t care nearly as much as their fans. Sometimes your trolling ways can spark this anger if done efficiently. Other times it can be heated fans getting into it, which is always a treat to stumble upon on your Facebook timeline. The fact is, every Sunday we are guaranteed to see some people ecstatic about winning and others fuming about losing – the key is to find the latter and study them for your own entertainment. TC Mark

When it comes to matters of opinion, discover some of the most intriguing, informed points of view you’ll find anywhere — at The Opinionator, from The New York Times


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