On Selfishness, And Finding The Kind Of Love You Deserve

You’re probably a timid person. You’ve probably spent the majority of your life putting others before you and expected nothing in return. I bet every time somebody disappoints or hurts you, you’re always the first to apologize because all of your anxiety drives you crazy and it all makes you believe that everything is your fault. We all know that it’s not.

You’ve probably spent countless nights lying awake in your bed while your mind is busy running marathons without your permission. Maybe you’ve gone a whole three days without eating because that nervous feeling in the pit of your stomach just wouldn’t go away. This concerned you and those around you because everyone knows that you have a very healthy appetite.

You soon realize that the nervous feeling in your stomach is anger towards yourself because for the first time in three years, you let yourself get vulnerable. Not only were you vulnerable, but also somebody witnessed it. Somebody that you let yourself fall for, which is something you don’t normally do. You probably wanted to spend every waking moment with this person and all you wanted to do was sit and listen while they excitedly talked about all that they loved.

You studied their face countless times as if you were getting ready for an exam where you had to list every physical characteristic that they possess. Your favorite characteristic was probably their mouth. Not because they used it to kiss you, but because you liked the way they smirked while they talked. You always felt that they had a smile so perfect, it could be seen in a magazine.

You probably wanted a serious relationship, but they wanted to drift. And drift, they did. You’re probably upset that they drifted into somebody else’s arms. You most likely feel guilty for being upset because you too have found yourself in somebody else’s arms. This new person probably likes you an ocean more than the drifter did. You’re probably trying your best to make the feelings mutual, but there’s always that thought in the back of your mind that reminds you that someone who is probably more interesting than you has taken your favorite side of the bed.

Maybe you found yourself completely bewildered on what to do next, so you met a stranger with a notepad to give their two cents. This stranger most likely put a lot of things into perspective for you and the one thing that stood out the most was when they looked you straight in the eye and told you that you deserve to be selfish.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to not be afraid to do what you want to do or say what you want to say. You deserve to do that without the use of alcohol. You probably love alcohol because of how carefree it makes you feel. You’ve probably gone four days straight with alcohol in your system because you felt like you had so much to say. Those four days were the days when you lost the drifter because you finally had the courage to say what you truly wanted.

Even though you didn’t know this person long, you wanted to make them a part of your life and you wanted to get to know them. You wanted to know what made this person tick. You wanted to know why their favorite jacket was their favorite jacket. You wanted to watch them do simple tasks such as getting ready for the day. But you never had the chance to give them the letters you wrote them during the nights where your insomnia took over. You probably carry them around with you hoping that one day you’ll have the courage to deliver them, but you know that you never will. What hurts you the most is all of the promises they made you and finding out that those promises have drifted along with them and are being done with somebody new.

This person probably makes you question your worth. It most likely confuses the shit out of you because while you feel worthless to someone who you truly cared about, you’ve currently been put on somebody else’s pedestal. This new person has done things for you that nobody in your life has done. You’d be fucking stupid not to be with them, but something is holding you back. You need to get over the drifter because you were simply just a flower in their garden. You need to stop worrying about what others will think and feel. You sometimes forget that this is your life and you can’t be the supporting character in your own film. Say what you want and do what you want because it’s your turn to be happy. Don’t accept whatever comes your way. You have the right and the power to fight because happiness is definitely worth fighting for. TC mark

featured image – j thorn

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