I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I was a child who loved babies and other children, even if those children were my age, I just loved being a kid. When I was young I was a nurturer who loved playing house where I would pretend to be the mom and jumped at every opportunity to play with a baby. As I got older, I still had a love for children but I began to think more about how I would become a mother, if I became a mother.
I was diagnosed with PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, when I was 20 years old. I wasn’t surprised in the least. I had already self-diagnosed using WebMD (of course), but mainly, I had gained a considerable amount of weight in the past year despite diet and exercise, I had always had extremely painful cramping, my first period was when I was 9 years old, and the condition ran in my family. This was not only a possible wrench in my plans to have kids, but it was a wrench in my life as a young adult. I didn’t plan on annual hormone tests, blood glucose monitoring, frustrating weight gain, or a considerable amount of fatigue. This was not in my plans at all.
I am open to sharing my journey and all the issues that I face with PCOS. The truth is, there isn’t a lot of research about the hormonal side of PCOS and how they interfere with the metabolic system. I deal with Insulin resistance, weight gain, acne, facial hair, cramps, heavy bleeding, the list goes on. Now the list includes, “possible infertility.” This was frustrating at first, at times I still get frustrated and panic, but overall I was okay with it. It was everyone else that wasn’t.
I am not by any means ready to have children. My boyfriend and I aren’t married yet but I am asked when we will have children more often than I am asked when will get engaged. The pressure is frustrating but what is even more frustrating is the assumption that I can have children. My doctor told me to reconsider when I would have children, my mother worries about my options being taken away from me before it is even an option and all I am worried about is that I am healthy. Not everyone knows that I have PCOS or what that entails, I don’t walk around with a sign informing people of my condition, but those who know don’t just ask me when we will have children, they give me other advice too.
That advice is to rethink my timeline, to try having children sooner than I planned. They tell me to prepare for it to be hard, for IVF, for devastation. And the thing is, I wouldn’t be devastated.
I’ve always known that I would be a mother. If I cannot become a mother through birth then I will become a mother through adoption or the foster care system. My heart is open and I have so much love to give to a child, biological or not. Even if I can have a biological child I would still like to pursue adoption.
I support those who choose IVF, surrogacy, to alter their timeline, whatever they feel is right for them to become a parent. I understand the importance that it holds to some people to have a biological child and for some reason it does not hold the same importance to me. I want to have time to travel, establish my career, get married, enjoyed married life, and so much more. I don’t want to have a child when I am not fully prepared because I might not be able to have kids in the future. “Might,” is a big word. “Might,” is a question and we live our lives through questions. That’s what makes it worthwhile.
Will I succeed at this job?
Will I ever go to France?
Will my boyfriend ever let me get another cat?
And now, “will I ever be able to have kids?”
The answer, is yes, one day. So, please stop telling me to rethink my timeline, my methods, my decisions. I will be a mother one day, when I choose to be.