A Bro’s Guide To Being A Pick-Up Artist

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1. Think Before You Speak.

I know it seems simple! I mean it literally seems almost impossible to do one without the other. Surely your brain has to think of the words before you blurt out “NICE LEGS” to a complete fucking stranger in passing, so mission accomplished. You thought about it, she has nice legs, you’ve made up your mind and it is getting blurted! But picture this: Imagine you are walking with your mom when a pretty girl passes you.

Now here you are walking with your dear mom at your side, do you still feel comfortable shouting at a complete stranger? I am certain a small number of you answered YES and I think even you realized at an early age that your relationship with your mother was indicative of your future relationships with women (you know, the one that involves you being told ‘no’ a lot and you crying). If you hate your mother in some sort of reverse Oedipus complex consider this: would you make this same comment if the girl was accompanied by another man? Finally, consider this: do you try to write off outward remarks to women about their appearance as simple compliments or making conversation but while knowing damn well that no woman’s dream is to have a remark about her appearance shouted at her by some fat fuck that looks like the lead singer of Smash Mouth while she walks to the post office? Consider these things, please.

2. Nothing Is Owed To You.

Sex is not a commodity. Sex is not a reward. Sex, sexual favors, or any kind of non-platonic connection with another person is literally never owed to you. It doesn’t matter if you opened the door for them, took them out to dinner, cured their fathers leukemia or became a Prince to a non-existent empire with the help of a Genie played by Robin Williams, nobody owes you a single fucking thing.

You don’t get to be angry when a woman won’t sleep with you, and if you have ever been angry about a woman not sleeping with you then you need to do some serious self reflection about why your sex drive and rage drive are closely intertwined. Viewing Sex as a commodity that is gifted to men who follow the rules of attraction not only greatly objectifies women but also removes the possibility of any intimacy from your sexual experiences, if you have any. We are grown adults here, and we are not given a gold star in the form of casual sex as a reward simply for our participation in it. Believing your kindness is owed sex is a sort of paradox that should actually cause your brain to implode.

3. Pick Up Artists are Crap.

I once read a ‘statistic’ that says women know within fifteen seconds if they are going to sleep with a man or not. I’m not an expert but I’m going to call bullshit on that statistic. I am, however, very confident that a woman knows within fifteen seconds if she would never, ever, under any circumstances, sleep with you in a million goddamn years.

There are all kinds of things you could say, or do, or probably look like that would likely make nearly all women automatically know they couldn’t have sex with you if their life depended on it. I’m not going to talk about those things, but I am going to say this: there is nothing you can say or do that will make women who don’t want to sleep with you want to sleep with you. BUT WHAT ABOUT GOLD DIGGERS? You scream at your computer screen. Sure, there are probably plenty of gold diggers out there who are only interested in draining a wealthy person of their income. Sure, if you become a millionaire there is a number of men and woman who would likely have sex with you based entirely on that because your dick just feels better when it’s on a private jet, but there are also people who want to make lamp shades out of human skin. There’s foot fetishes. There’s people who think Two and a Half Men is funny. It’s not the NORM is what I am saying.

The concept of Pick up artists is to believe that there is a method, or a clearly defined system that can convince nearly any woman to have sex with you. The idea that women are basically sexual sleeper-cells that are awaiting their activation command that makes them throw pussy at you has to be the most insane and misguided notion that I believe it nearly destroys the time/space continuum.

Even beginning to buy into this is to accept that women have no place in decision making of their own, and are merely puppets on strings that can be pulled in any direction by a guy who wears a top hat and fucking tinted goggles inside a night club. I’m not saying that to be a misogynist you have to believe that Mystery actually gets laid, I’m just saying believing that makes you a misogynist and a gullible fucking idiot.

4. Don’t be ashamed to tell the truth.

As mentioned before the explanation of “I was just being nice” or “I talk to everyone!” is bullshit. Just because you don’t admit it out loud doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t know it’s bullshit. We hit on girls all the time and when it doesn’t go as planned we have a tendency to get defensive. Telling a girl she is stuck up or shallow because she didn’t respond how you wanted her to is a perfect example of this. Certainly people can be stuck up, but people can also look like complete assholes who are incapable of having any sense of humility; another thing to consider. It can be uncomfortable or embarrassing to have your advances shot down but I assure you that not being able to admit when you were trying to pick up on a girl and writing it off as ‘just being nice’ should be one of the most embarrassing things you ever do in your entire life.

If you want to view yourself as an ‘alpha’, a term coined by douche panthers just like yourself, but feel your delicate ego dismantled when a girl doesn’t want to make conversation with you. Remember that most people consider blatant dishonesty within the first few moments of meeting a person as a giant red flag. Just admit you were hitting on the girl, and move on – it doesn’t even have to be out loud. Your confidence will soar when you don’t have to spend hours each day lying to yourself, bro. You didn’t start a conversation with a pretty girl at a bar or a bus because you are nice. You did it because you are hoping somewhere down the road, sooner or later, it will lead to her touching your penis and that is perfectly alright.

5. Learn to deal with and accept rejection.

You just to deal with and accept rejection. You just have to. The concept of not taking no for an answer, or combatting that pesky ‘last-minute resistance’ is literally a precursor to rape. If saying they are not interested is just a way testing you when they are interested then ask yourself: how the fuck do they say they aren’t interested?

Finally, don’t ever say “Friend Zone” in anything other than complete irony. The concept of this is treating a woman with the respect and dignity usually reserved for other living, breathing human beings is going to immediately eliminate you as a potential sexual candidate which ONCE AGAIN is a brain imploding level paradox. To even begin to believe this theory is to imply that every heterosexual marriage exists because some guy was JUST mean enough to some girl that she decided to love him forever. You have been rejected and believing you can trick a girl into sleeping with you is probably a huge factor in her not being interested in you to begin with. Being rejected isn’t an obstacle you have to overcome to sleep with a girl. It should be and is the definitive end at your attempt to get laid. It’s not a ‘test’, and believing it is will only dig that weird hole you sleep in alone even deeper. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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