Trigger warning: Suicide
You know those people who are just so blatantly and ignorantly happy? That was me—well, for the first 21 years, at least. I was renting an overpriced apartment and waiting tables for cash every night. I made enough money for rent and smokes. I slept next to the love of my life. I have always been a seeker of higher achievement, but I had honestly thought it would unfold painlessly for me, I guess. That is exactly how my life had worked for me up until that point. I am the child of two amazing, hardworking, and unconditionally loving parents who gave everything in them to build a life for my sisters and I. I soon adopted their ways. I was working two jobs for years, buying a home by 21 and establishing a solid career.
I was in the process of bringing a dream of owning a plant nursery into my reality when my entire world went dark. I was in Florida on vacation with my family. I had a trunk full of new plant babies.
During a nine hour car ride home, I got a call that the love of my life had been found dead on our bedroom floor. Brady was found in a pool of his own blood and a gun in his hand. I began hyperventilating and getting sick in the car. Our first rest stop had me on my hands and knees crying in the grass. Looking back, I was searching for some sort of groundedness. The news of losing Brady had dropped me into a space of my mind that I had never been before. I immediately lost connection with the world around me. It was no longer real. It was a horrible nightmare. How could I wake up?
Every single one of my plans from that moment to the end of my life involved Brady. With him gone, all of my life plans began to slowly disintegrate. Every second following, I was reliving in my mind all the plans we had created, and my mind was telling me over and over that these plans were completely out of reach. I saw a few therapists after the loss, but every one I saw had a presence that was so shallow and generic. It was insanely expensive and my household income had just been cut in half.
I spent so many days and nights in that space. I found comfort in alcohol, shallow relationships, and the misuse of a highly addictive pharmaceutical drug prescribed to me for sleep. I was completely ruled by my pain-body. A year after his passing, I felt like I had to do something different.
I booked a 10 day spiritual retreat in Bali. Yep! I was on some Eat, Pray, Love business. I had absolutely no idea how I planned on paying for this trip, but I knew I had no other option. I felt it in my being.
The retreat was magical, groundbreaking, and left me with an insatiable hunger for even more spiritual growth. Before stepping onto the plane to come home, I decided that I was going to practice loving everyone unconditionally. It was truly a practice.
I was given a safe space in Bali to reestablish my connection to the living Earth around me. I was able to navigate my trauma with a spiritual mentor and find my way back home to my soul. I made friends with my ego and this friendship allowed me to open my heart and view others simply as other humans moving through their own individual experiences.
My ego brought out so many feelings of guilt, anger, and hopelessness with the disconnect from my role as “Brady’s life partner”. When the world around me shifted immensely, my ego sent my body into flight or fight. The ego is terrified of the unknown but serves a purpose in evolution and keeping us safe. Instead of fighting my ego and the emotions brought on, I chose to dive deeper into my trauma. This led to a deeper understanding and compassion for others. This allowed me to embody the natural ability we all carry to love everyone unconditionally. By offering this unconditional love and understanding to everyone, I have opened myself up to even more expansive opportunities and experiences. I have become magnetic.
I would have never entered this higher state of awareness without the shedding of my previous self. I operated prior with a limited focus. I am now able to zoom out and think more expansively. I add more value to my life and the lives of others. I feel like I am truly living because the role I am playing now is one that I have consciously chosen. Loss of identity through the loss of a relationship has allowed me to rebuild myself brand new. I am a conscious creator operating from the highest frequency.