As Spring approaches, we find ourselves closer and closer to the premiere of the fourth season of everyone’s favorite show that you never watched until you got a Netflix account: Arrested Development. House of Cards offered a momentary distraction in your Watch Instantly queue; but now that you’ve watched all thirteen of those in two days, you are back to your old stable white noise of the Bluth family. Since we have to wait ‘til at least May to catch up with the new adventures of Michael and the gang, you figure you may as well get reacquainted with your favorite dysfunctional family. However, there are a few signs you have let your addiction go a little too far. Don’t worry though; I am sure there are dozens of you out there. DOZENS!
If any of the following applies to you, its possible that you need to start streaming something else on Watch Instantly for a few weeks. I heard there are new episodes of Boyfights and Caged Wisdom on Recently Added. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING!
1. When Anne Hathaway won an Oscar, you were like “Her? Who? Egg?”
2. And you were also confused by the baldness of the statue because everyone knows George is the one who lost his hair from stress, not his freeloading hippie twin brother Oscar.
3. Your sheets are still stained from your Halloween costume last year — you Blue yourself.
4. You love all the Bluths equally… but you don’t care for Gob.
5. You don’t feel fulfilled at brunch unless you have had an entire Skip’s Scramble.
6. You were thinking of starting your own bee (or bead) company, but Starla the Business Model couldn’t get past the security of someone named “Q” to tell him it’s over and the whole thing kind of fizzled.
7. You tried to embark on an exciting new career as a bounty hunter/caterer but your menu of hot ham water, mayon-eggs, and chicken in a chicken sauce weren’t very popular, and Jean Parmesan kept beating you to finding your targets.
8. You are considering a career in film development only because you think Les Cousins Dangereux is a movie that really deserves to be made.
9. You settled for an internship writing for the Bob Loblaw Law Blog instead.
10. You haven’t been in the ocean in a few years because you are consumed by the fear of loose seals in yellow bow ties.
11. You started taking Teamocil based on the recommendation of Dr. Funke’s 100% Natural Good Times Family Band Solution but you are thinking about going off it because the side effects are getting weird.
12. You don’t have alopecia but you have started wearing designer eyebrows to convey different emotions.
13. You’ve raised the bar on what you constitute to be a solid pair of cut-offs, and fear you may be becoming a Never Nude.
14. You appeared on Girls Gone Wild last Spring Break after having too many margaritas made into your mouth and thought you signed up for Girls With Low Self-Esteem instead.
15. You noticed a lot of creepy singles in your housing development so you checked your lease and you are actually living in F*ck City.
16. Your uncle reacted very uncomfortably to your insistence that you two duet “Afternoon Delight” at the family holiday party.
17. You tried to send your Gangy a birthday card but it came back marked “Return to Sender” because you accidentally addressed it to Balboa Tours.
18. You tried to convince your mother into enter the Mother Boy competition with you but she just gave you side eye.
19. Your father came to visit but he left early because he was sick of listening to “Discipline Daddy” on repeat; and you accused him of being a regular Freddie Wilson.
20. You went car shopping and you were looking for something practical and not flashy. You ended up buying a stare car.
21. You watched Arrested Development: MTV Unplugged, featuring the Afro-centric alternative hip-hop group, and you were just really confused.
22. You’ve been protesting to dry up the wetlands.
23. You’ve learned the word “brother” in every language to avoid one of those awkward “hermano” situations.
24. You are considering going back to school to study 18th century Agrarian business.
25. George Sr. made prison look so enjoyable you are considering committing some light treason yourself.
26. You’re working in the phrase “blow alternatively hot and cold” into your wedding vows.
27. You truly believe that if Franklin Comes Alive could get made it might heal this country of its racial tensions.
28. You know that after mom’s second vodka and Buster’s second juice box is when the magic happens.
29. You know that the only scary thing about a one armed man trying to scare someone is the fact that he feels his one arm is only good for trying to scare someone.
30. You always leave a note.
31. You’ve forgotten what a chicken actually acts like.
32. You bought yourself a tape recorder and recorded yourself for a whole day… and all you heard was Arrested Development references.