I have completely forgotten myself for the past years to love someone.
Did my best not to fail in class so that father won’t have any reason to blame him. I started ignoring my friends, not attending birthday parties or reunions to have more time with him. Decided to quit two of the most precious things I do, dancing and singing in a band, because he wasn’t fond of seeing me with someone else or letting people see me on stage.
Vacations without him were difficult for me and even days apart were the worst. I helped him help himself, to be better; to be mature and find his goals in life, he did.. but I was stuck in my own world where he is the only person in it along with the chaos happening inside me.
I got lost alone.
And so I decided to change. I decided to break free.
I have completely remembered myself for the next months after that.
Finally reunited with old friends, even new ones were amazing. My grades were good, along with extra curricular activities. Get together, coffee hang outs, vacations were my priorities without me asking for his permission. I hid behind the reflection of me years ago. The version of me that it’s all about him. Then I started to forget him, texts are just a mandatory task everyday, sweet messages and long conversations were all gone, and anniversaries were similar to a normal day.
Then someone came along and it was exciting and then it was gone. I decided to ignore his comments, his feelings and get on with life without him dragging me down. Then I decided to be gone for three days, no messages, calls, reminders that I am here. I thought my days being lost were far gone but the tragedy happening in me keeps on growing… I became a completely different person. A reckless one wanting all the freedom she can have and violating other people’s happiness on the way.
I became selfish…
And then he found out but gave me endless chances. We realised that we have to be mature to make things okay… and we did.
He started to have his own world, have endless conversations with friends, get together, games, hangouts, vacations and me. I decided to do that too.
He is completely happy with his life…
but here I am,
I might completely ruin myself for the years ahead.
I am starting to go back to where I came from. Bits of paranoia, fear and worry starting to crawl in me like poison, thinking that this might be the only chance I have. I can’t think of something else other that making him happy and it’s consuming me. I decided to let him be, because he’s happy but I’m not and I don’t know what will happen to me.
I am lost again.