If you want to know the truth, I’d tell you I was the sweetest girl…
I was the girl who tried to be nice even if she knew that she could not please everyone. I was the girl who used to invite as much people into her life– wanting to build relationships and hoping to make them last. I was the girl who would not let a day pass by without talking to the people she cared about just to see how their day turned up. I was the girl who wrote of mushy literary pieces.
I was the girl who, behind all the “I-miss-yous”, gave all the effort to make every meet-up possible. I was the girl who tried to stick everyone together like a glue. I was the girl who would make sure you felt the best during the important days of your life. I was the girl who would talk to people about how she actually felt. I was the girl who was so naive.
But I grew up and I grew weary…
I became the girl who had her own world and learned to be at ease with that. I became the girl who pushed people away and was content with those who manage to stay. I became the girl who seldom initiated conversations. I became the girl who wrote about reality.
I became the girl who would rather get all the space that she needs and in return, give you yours. I became the girl who understood that she cannot fix everyone nor everything. I became the girl who quietly listens during the worst days. I became the girl who stayed silent and kept her feelings to herself.
The world is cold, and temporary people are everywhere.
It’s not that I do not care.
I do. I care a lot actually.
I care about not having my heart broken. I care about saving my energy. I care about sparing all of me. I care about putting myself first because I know that I cannot truly give something that I do not have. I care about not being drained and empty to the point that I can no longer have anything to offer– especially to the people who matter.
I could be wrong.
I could be selfish.
I could have changed to someone who is far from what others would believe to be the better person who I used to be.
And this is why I’m not everyone’s favorite kind of girl. This is why I’m not the kind of girl whom you would easily miss. This is why I’m not the kind of girl whom you would bother to ask if she’s genuinely okay. This is why I’m not the kind of girl whom you would help even if she was clearly in need. This is why I’m not the kind of girl whom you would want to save from herself.
But I hope you know that underneath all of this, I am the kind of girl who feels everything.