Some Things I’ve Learned About Love And Dating As An Overthinker

The ability to allow things to flow naturally, organically, and without the interference of neurosis: you either got it or you don’t. I worship the goddess who doesn’t watch his Snap Story, doesn’t feel like texting back, who won’t Netflix and Chill before she is Wined and Dined.

I want to be that powerful woman, and one day I might be, but it’s taken a lot of wrong turns to get me on track. When it comes to givin’ guys the cold shoulder, being mysterious, or playin’ hard to get, I’m the worst in the game.

I’m like that kid on your basketball team who has been practicing all year just to have my two minutes in the last quarter. I’ve been shooting foul shots on the weekends, practicing my footwork, learning all the plays, and I know when we are up 50 points one of these times, I will get to show my stuff. Coach calls me in, I’m ready to roll, and the ball lands at my fingertips. You’d think I would learn, that I would know what to do, but wouldn’t ya know I take that ball and run as fast as I can to the other team’s basket-not even stopping to dribble.

That’s me. They say don’t hate the playa hate the game, but I think in my case I’m just not much of a playa. Until recently realizing I will most likely die alone, I have never understood what the point of playing this so-called game was. If you like someone, tell them. If you miss someone, let them know. If you question something, ask it. If you wanna drunk text someone 25 times, hell, go for it. If you wanna bone, don’t be coy, tell em’! One would think that a sense of transparency and honesty would get you nothing but love, right? Wrong. So fucking wrong. I am learning that I need to separate my mind from my heart, especially when it comes to the dating game. I’m sure writing a self-deprecating blog post ruining any smidge of mystery I have left doesn’t help, but hey I’ll take one for the team.

I show all of myself, even the crippling paranoia, non-stop anxiety, and extreme self-doubt, which I’ve come to find out guys don’t like too much. I think that women today, or people in general, have come to expect some sort of instant gratification. We want followers, likes, praise, approval, and that most definitely includes the love and affection of men. That, in combination with the pressure of growing older, has made me a mushy mess of emotions, helping me break records when it comes to losing potential husbands.

I have asked myself again and again what it is that I am doing wrong, and FINALLY I have found the answers. What men really want, and more importantly what they really don’t want. Allow me to expound on these universal truths in order to save you from the misery I have already suffered. You’re welcome for being a martyr to all anxious single girls in America.

1. The mind is a complicated thing, but it actually rules your every move when you’re anxious. The tales I tell myself are incredibly detailed, and I pride myself on my ability to create a good story. However, when it comes to boys-don’t let this happen. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. One time I was supposed to go on a date with a boy and at the last minute he had to go to the hospital because “his grandma’s best friend broke her hip.” Likely story, am I right? I sat there, fuming, at this man’s indecency and more importantly at his utter lack of creativity. Say it was your own grandma at least. Say you hit your grandma with your car. Say your grandma stole your car. Say anything other than that it was unbelievable. So, I began to tell myself what he really was up to. I probably looked ugly in a picture I put up earlier that day. I probably said something too nice in a text. His first date probably came through so he had to cancel plans with me. Seconds after sending a bitchily crafted response back, I was sent a picture of him, in the hospital. DO NOT LET YOUR MIND GET CARRIED AWAY. Men are simple creatures. If they don’t like you, they are usually pretty upfront about it, or just take the high road and ignore you completely. This one is a funny tale, but it proves the point to be true. Men do not like assumptions and complications.

2. You may know a lot, but you don’t know it all. While there is little gray area to be explored when it comes to a budding relationship between a man and a woman, there are situational factors that undoubtedly come into play. For example, if a boy has just broken up with a girlfriend of three years and tells you he isn’t ready for anything serious, that is probably the truth. No matter your history, no matter how much YOU want it, it really doesn’t matter. A “raw” heart can cause a multitude of complications, the most important being inability to commit or fear of being hurt again. Me, thinking I am the most important thing in the world and also a prized possession any man would be looking to obtain, ignore all of these situations. I want what I want and don’t care what the other person has to say. This will only push people away and force you to reflect on your own desires. So like, to answer your questions, texting 50 times in a row and calling 5+ on a Saturday night doesn’t make him think “Wow she really likes me” it makes him think “This bitch cray.” You don’t know it all, you can’t force anything if you want it to be good. Shut it down, dude.

3. The biggest, baddest wolf of all the mind fucks: don’t put it all out there, not right away. Sure, you’re quirky and cynical and deep and neurotic and analytical, and those are all great things to be, but not at first. Show yo man that stuff later, after he knows the fluff about you. Let him see how fun you are, how funny you are, how good at drinking beer you are, how good at rubbin’ backs you are. Show him the easy stuff. This protects your heart and peaks his interest-both things that are essential in the first stages of dating. Being your absolute crazy self is freeing and something every woman should have the ability to be in a relationship…but if you want him to think you’re more Jennifer Lawrence than you are Lizzy Borden, cool your shit. Guys like weird, they like different, they like interesting; they don’t like neurotic, over-analyzing, psychos. Reveal your stuff little by little, don’t lay it all on the line.

Even though it is incredibly important to remain authentic, stick to your standards, and to let someone love you for you, there is a process that comes with getting to know someone. I like to go all in, whether it’s with drinking beers, playing cards, competing in a dance-off, or falling for someone. I’ve come to find out it pays off to go all in with some of those things, but not all (namely drinking beers and falling for someone). Stop with the No Chill, and start training your brain. This doesn’t just apply to boys, and actually works in most life instances, it just so happens men are like top three on my priority list.

Save your crazy for later, stop overthinking, and as hard as it is sometimes, let things just HAPPEN. Believe me, I’m a seasoned vet on this topic and have lost plenty of good men to the war in my brain.