I am sorry for you. I am angry first, but then I am sorry. When my relationship began, I knew all about you. The undeniable pull you felt for him since adolescence, the times he probably felt just beyond your reach, your first time together. I heard how he knew you loved him and he felt ashamed for using you in pauses and moments of weakness with his first love. I could see you still cared for him and how he was always the one you couldn’t ever ignore. Even if his calls were late at night, his messages were cryptic, and your meetings were only for the two of you to know. I knew you would answer despite the sour taste he left in your mouth every single time.
I know this because I was an In-Between Girl once. I recall the way I would say it felt different this time like we had something no one else would have, even if it was always a secret. I remember the denial and impulsiveness, the way I swallowed any sort of common sense to make room for his affection. I can still feel the aching in my stomach that was paired with an intense passion I couldn’t ignore; my intuition told me everything about it was wrong but every other piece of me said to be with him. It was as if a temporary amnesia erased the destruction he had caused before and only memories of desire would be rolling around for me to grab onto. I lied to myself because any moment I could have with him was worth the missed opportunity of never knowing if this time was real. I am angry with you, In-Between Girl, but I am sorry for you more.
Before I knew you’d be my In-Between Girl, I would see you now and again. I knew your story and I heard the sharp, snake-like whispers you let roll off your tongue about me. You do not even know me, but only know I am the one holding him at night instead of you. You asked him why me, you tried your hardest to make me feel inadequate or undeserving in the eyes of people we both knew, but more inside of yourself. I knew you were just a sad little girl who could only use poisonous words to kill your own emptiness and jealousy.
I foolishly reached out to you, trying to let you know who I was. I wanted to tell you I had hoped we could all be friends. I am not sure if I saw myself in you, but I tried to meet your toxic insides with an open heart. I see now my intentions may have been to save myself from you becoming our In-Between Girl. But not even kindness and honesty could destroy your hatred and delusional desire to be his. You met me with animosity and aggression, an attitude so cold and unsettling that I wondered if part of you was actually dead inside. I felt compelled to speak on behalf of this man when you were his In-Between Girl before me. I wanted to say you deserved better and that I hope we could be friends. Once you even cried to me, told me the way he had treated you, said you were always his In-Between Girl. But then, you did the only thing you seem to know how and became the In-Between Girl to me.
I am sorry you are his late-night secret and someone he is ashamed of. I am furious first, but then I am sorry. I can imagine the thoughts that will toss and turn with you in bed, while you sleep alone under the covers. You will always be lonely. You can dislike me or even despise me. You can tell your closest friends about the evils of who I am or the things he said about me to lure you into his bedroom. But you, In-Between Girl, are the only one who will end up with suffering. I was sincere and authentic in my attempts to make amends, but you seemed to only be waiting for the next chance you could get him alone. I am not mad at you, I feel so sorry.
I can see you don’t like who you are and I know because I have felt that way before, too. Your angry, twisted face is not mysterious or confident, it is off-putting and scary. I am ashamed he took advantage of you that way. I am disappointed the man I love could treat another woman like something so disposable. But you, you’ve done this before and know all too well how it will end. You set yourself up for disaster and you knew I had his heart while you were in his bed.
To the In-Between Girl, I want you to know that I know how you feel. I want you to know that I think you are better than this. I want you to know that I understand how little respect you have for other women because of how little respect you have for yourself. You will never be his, In-Between Girl, and you did that all on your own. When you hurt others, you will end up hurting. When you do what you have done, you will only ever end up in bed alone. I know, because I have been the In-Between Girl. This was a karmic lesson, and it always comes back around.
One day you will find someone who wants to bring you out in the daylight and not rush you out before the dawn comes. You will fall in love and you will have a connection that is deep and true and rooted in your bones. You will have what I have. You will both make terrible and gut-wrenching mistakes. You will both hurt one another but the only thing that can heal is the other person. You will have your pitfalls, make poor judgments, and possibly need time to breathe on your own. And then, an In-Between Girl will come into your life and relationship, too.
I am sorry for you. I am angry first, but then I am sorry. I have found the love of my life who I will endure partnership with and whatever obstacles come up along the way…even you, In-Between Girl. I hope one day you learn to love yourself. I hope you find happiness and understanding. I hope you learn that this is not the way because I did a long time ago.